Now that the Independent Counsel has released the report, it’s clear that Hillary really isn’t responsible for the Rose law firm Whitewater billing records disappearing or for their mysteriously showing up on a table in her living room.

Monday, April 01, 2002

Now that the Independent Counsel has released the report, it’s clear that Hillary really isn’t responsible for the Rose law firm Whitewater billing records disappearing or for their mysteriously showing up on a table in her living room. Moreover, Bill did not commit perjury when he said he didn’t have sex with "that woman," because everyone knows no one knows what "is" is.

Al Gore really won the election, and all the Supreme Court would have had to do is ask him. Bill Clinton is a boring public speaker, but George W. is the most exciting since Millard Fillmore.

Jesse Ventura’s basic fault is that he simply says what he thinks (and he always thinks before he speaks), and all the times he has taken back what he said only indicates how his thinking keeps getting better. Graduation standards will be met if teachers would simply make students listen to recordings of the governor’s articulate expressions and impeccable grammar.

The First Amendment erects a wall of separation between church and state so that government must prevent people from taking their religion seriously or at least talking about it in public. Prayer should be prohibited in public schools, because it discriminates against those who don’t pray. You cannot legislate morality, and the thing is then to legislate against it.

Discrimination can only be done by white males, and spousal abuse can be committed only by men. Illegal aliens are merely undocumented. It is unnecessary to be morally right as long as you are politically correct.

Smoking should not be banned in restaurants. All this talk about "secondary smoking" has no basis in scientific fact, and the constitution guarantees "the pursuit of happiness," which gives an absolute right to smoke anywhere if that’s what makes a person happy.

Inasmuch as a woman’s body belongs to her and to her alone, it is entirely her private choice to abort. Abortion is useful for population control, economy, physical fitness, and personal convenience.

The way to beat the odds at gambling is just to keep trying, because the law of averages says that you will win eventually if you loose enough money trying. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be fair.

Curriculum should be set by students, because they know what they need to know. Teachers should never expect more from students than students are willing to give, and they should never give more homework than students have time for.

When your boyfriend tells you he won’t get you pregnant, believe him because guys know things like that. You won’t get pregnant if you’re careful.

Parents tell you to abstain from sex only because they don’t want you to have any fun and, after all, fun is what sex is all about anyway.

The message, then, for this day: April fool.