Everyone gets Christmas letters. It's a seasonal tradition that, for many, becomes all too familiar.

"Little Katie is doing wonderful! She's in the fifth grade, is involved

in 13 different school clubs, seven church programs and will be serving as a missionary to Africa while living in a youth hostel and surviving on water and Cream of Wheat.

"We're so proud of her!"

That's the first kid. Only eight more to go.

So I'll spare you the details of other letters we're all familiar with. However, a relative or one of my friends wrote the following. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Dan had an exciting year! He got to do some traveling, but usually ended up on the plane with some jerk who wouldn't shut up, or a snoring grandma.

Probably the worst was the 6-foot 9-inch fat guy who sat in front of him. Dan was not happy. When the man sat down, his chair banged against Dan's knees. Then when he leaned back, he was in Dan's lap.

About the only thing worse, Dan said, was getting singled out and searched by the new Transportation Security Administration workers. Dan said they were professional and courteous. But apparently, the security guard was still smiling after he patted Dan down.

Dan said he didn't like that.

Dan's truck is running fine, but the battery cables are starting to fray. Dan called the other day to say the chewing gum we put in his stocking was finally put to good use.

Dan said it's going on about a year since he joined the YMCA. He didn't tell us how much he's been working out, but said the whirlpool's working just fine.

Unfortunately, Dan said his cooking has seen better days. But he was happy to inform us the smoke alarm only went off six times -- down two from the year before.

Work has been going well for him. Dan said he occasionally receives good news from readers, although he still gets the irate phone call from the person who doesn't like him making fun of those who leave their Christmas lights up all year long.

We also keep trying to pry information from Dan about his personal life. But he's pretty stubborn. All Dan would say is that he's using his e-mail a lot more these days. He says it's for his next excursion, but we're not so sure.

Oh, and another thing about cooking. Dan said he loves potlucks. There are not too many rules and protocol. He usually brings potato salad. Dan said he's learned that the faster he gets in line, the better. As Dan apparently told another churchgoer, "This is one of the instances where the first shall be first."

Dan said he's pretty happy and content. In fact, this is one of his favorite times of the year. He said he can't wait to eat lefse again with his landlords. However, Dan said he's going to take another pass this year on the lutefisk. We're still trying to figure out why.

That's about it and hope all is well. Dan sends his regards and said if you're cleaning out the fireplace and find remains of some ballots, make sure you let him know.

Dan Fields can be reached at 434-2230 or by e-mail at :mailto:dan.fields@austindailyherald.com