The sky was dark,

The moon was high,

All alone just she and I

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what

she wanted to do …

Hold her, Newt! Let's not get carried away.

I am, of course, speaking of my first time ever of milking a cow.

It was Hannah and she had been around the milking parlor a time or two, if you know what I mean.

That first experience set the tone for future encounters. All of them bad. Every time I milked her, I got my "Squeeze" mixed up with my "Pull" and never scored with her.

It's been a rough year for me and the dairy farmers of Mower County.

It began with the 2003 dairy princess banquet. It was the 50th anniversary banquet. A once-in-a-lifetime event with former dairy princesses invited back.

I haven't missed a dairy princess banquet in 18 years. What reporter in their right mind could turn down a Swiss steak dinner served by the lovely ladies of Sacred Heart Catholic Church? Not this one.

Well, my son and his betrothed had to ruin everything by getting married on the same date as the banquet, so there was a conflict.

I opted to attend my son's wedding and have fun with relatives and friends afterwards.

Now, I can't look a Holstein in the eye, so ashamed am I.

There are a few dairy farmers who take this dairy princess stuff deadly serious and they will not accept any excuse for missing the golden anniversary event.

Things went from bad to worse, when I wrote about a nice guy by the name of Roger Jax and his dairy operation.

I must of had too much 2 percent to drink that day, because I wrote a story that said Mr. Jax has more dairy cows than all other dairy farmers combined.

As they say just about everywhere a reporter makes a blunder, that's a bunch of dairy doo-doo.

There are 59 dairy herds in Mower County and 4,800 dairy cows if I would have taken the time to count them all.

Thus, it was with fear and trepidation that I went to Culver's Restaurant last Friday, where the Mower County ADA was promoting dairy. I didn't want another incident like the one that happened to me at the Adams Dairy Days tractor pull, when my good friend, Erland Smith, explained the facts of dairy life to me.

The nice folks had a new cap for me to wear, a picture and a video.

I was disappointed to see that dairy farmers have resorted to cheap tricks to lure people to enjoy dairy products. The latest slogan on their caps is "Do it with dairy." I could have sworn Hannah was smiling at me.

As I told you, Hannah and I go way back. We have lost more cow milking contests than any team of cow and milker.

Wouldn't you know it? Hannah was dry that day.

Now to make amends for my June Dairy Month blunder, I've become a shill for dairy farmers.

You'll see the ads on cable TV soon.

"Hi, Friends! Lee Bonorden here. Whenever I feel tired and run-down, I always pour myself a tall, cool glass of milk.

"Also, whenever I get frisky with the opposite sex, I always do it with milk.

"And, kids, before you go out on a cow-tipping binge, stop and think: What if it was your grandmother lying out there in the middle of a pasture unable to get up?

"Finally, the next time you see a dairy farmer in the field baling hay on a hot, humid summer's day, honk your horn.

"If you happen to surprise the farmer and he falls off the hay rack and gets up to wave back at you with a single finger, just remember: it's the secret sign of all dairy farmers and means 'We're number one!'"

For those of you who enjoy home movies: Lynn and Jane Sathre have videos of both the golden anniversary dairy princess program, $15 each, the 50 dairy princesses, $20 each, and a CD, $7.

Call the Sathres at 582-7723 for more information.

Lee Bonorden can be contacted at 434-2232 or by e-mail at :mailto:lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com