There is so much to write about this week.

It's sort of like waking up in bed with Oprah Winfrey on one side and Barbara Walters on the other.

Wait a minute. Strike that image from your mind and read on.

Free money

The U.S. government is giving away free money and low-interest loans.

No kidding.

A special four-page section of a newspaper from La Crosse, Wis., details more than 1,400 available programs.

Last year, the federal government gave away $346 billion in grants-in-aid. The newspaper details countless stories of average citizens who got free money from the U.S. government and never had to pay it back.

It's amazing! Despite a war in Afghanistan and another war in Iraq and peace-keeping in Bosnia and assorted other really expensive U.S. escapades, there is more government money -- not less -- than ever before to give away.

I'm going to pass along the toll-free number for the next seminar on "How to get free money from the U.S. Government" to the Austin City Council, Mower County Board of Commissioners and Austin Board of Education. Why can't local government get some of government's free money too?

Setting example

There's a real sharp cookie out there who reads the legals, those official publications of local government detailing expenditures and other useful items.

This reader sent along a copy of a story about the Mower County Commissioners headlined "Commissioners debate ways to save money."

Next to it are county legals detailing how the commissioners spent gazillions of money at a meeting in February.

"If you read these legals each time they are in the Herald the commissioners all have a great time at the taxpayers' expense," writes the reader.

I kind of like the way the reader writes.

I'm still waiting for the elected politicians to volunteer to give up their salaries to help keep the lights on in local government. Then, I'll believe all their gloom and doom warnings

about a state budget shortfall and how it means the end of the world as we know it.

Men's rules

Oddly enough, a woman sent me these Men's Rules for Women. There are so many Women's Rules for Men, but what about the guys? They're people too. Here are the top 10:

10. Crying is blackmail.

9. A headache that lasts for 18 months is a problem. See a doctor.

8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

7. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

6. Christopher Columbus did not need directions. Neither do we.

5. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you want to talk about baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

4. Learn to work the toilet seat.

3. You have enough clothes.

2. You have enough shoes

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Leave 'em laughing

In a small town in the U.S., there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous … or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It's because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Lee Bonorden can be contacted at 434-2232 or by e-mail at :lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com