Echoes from the Loafers’ Club meeting:

“How are you doing?”

“Do you ever wonder why we’re here?”

“Every time you come in, I wonder why you’re here.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors–both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: The sun wins every staring contest.

Things I have learned

1. Life is too short not to laugh. Life is too long not to laugh.

2. There is no point in lying about your weight if people can see you.

3. Not to use my wife’s toenail clipper to open food packages.

My neighbor

My neighbor Bjorn Toulouse told me that the guy who sold him admission tickets at the fair called him a sucker. It turned out that there was no admittance price. Bjorn‘s wife asked him how he could be so stupid. He replied, “I eat right, exercise, and get plenty of sleep.”

From the family files

A man told my father, “You must be very proud of your son graduating from high school.” Dad replied, “I am—and surprised, too.” My high school graduation made me feel unwelcome at that school, so I went off to the welcoming arms of college. I had lots of intelligence because I had never used any of it. I lived in a condemned building. It had to be painted before it was good enough to condemn. The sign on the door stated that it was unfit for human habitation. I could live there because I was a college student. My roommate was not in school long because he was too quiet in class. He didn’t talk in his sleep. We didn’t have a key to the front door. We had nothing worth borrowing, let alone stealing. If we did accidentally lock the door, we used a screwdriver to open it. We didn’t have a microwave oven because it would have been larger than our efficiency apartment and would have left less room for the cockroaches.

To TV or not to TV

If your life were a TV show, would you watch it? I think a fast food restaurant would make a perfect reality TV show. The drive-through lane alone would provide more stories than could be told. These eateries have failed to grasp the marketing strategy practiced by mothers, “Eat this before it goes bad.”

Planning ahead

The man from Adams told his wife, “I’ll know when it is time for me to go to the nursing home, so I’ll drive myself there.”

Grandma

Someone asked what my Grandma would say if she came back to life. I would take her to town, where we could sit on a nice bench in the shade and watch the world go by. I think she would ask some questions. “Where did all the chrome on the cars go? Why is everyone carrying a bottle of water? What on earth is a cell phone and why does it make such odd sounds?”

Mackinac

I was telling Pastor Dennis Frank of Hartland that I had driven over the Mackinac Bridge a number of times but have never visited Mackinac Island. The Mackinac Bridge is a suspension bridge connecting the upper and lower peninsulas of Michigan. It spans 5 miles over the Straits of Mackinac, which is where Lake Michigan and Lake Huron meet. It took three years to complete and opened to traffic in 1957. I added that I had been close enough to Mackinac Island to smell the fudge and the horse manure. Pastor Frank added that the secret was the ability to tell the difference between the two.

Nature notes

“What do moles eat?” The primary food of moles is the earthworm.

“Do birds have ears?” They do. They are small openings covered by fine feathers on each side of the head.

“Do mallard ducklings dive?” Mallard ducklings dive under water to evade predators and, infrequently, to reach food. Adults rarely dive.

“Can an owl move its head in a complete circle?” No, an owl cannot move its head 360 degrees. The best it can do is 270 degrees.

“What are maple bugs?” It’s another name for boxelder bugs.

“How much does a great horned owl weigh?” It weighs 2 to 5 pounds, with the female being larger than the male. The bird looks larger than it is. .

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I mentioned the importance of laughter.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “If you don’t laugh, you will do nothing but cry.”

Meeting adjourned

There is no such thing as a small kindness.