Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

“I didn’t get my brother anything for his birthday.”

“Why not?”

“I wanted him to know that I’m thinking of him.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: perfect strangers are the only ones who are strangely perfect.

I’ve learned

1. The longer a meal takes to prepare, the less people will enjoy it.

2. If the shoe fits, it’s expensive.

3. Never park next to an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Thrilling days of yesteryear

We didn’t have the best baseballs for our pasture games. Apparently, baseballs were not easy to come by in those days of yore. Most of our baseballs were wrapped in whatever kind of tape was available. Scooter had the best baseball in our group. It was in pristine shape because a bat had never hit it. It had never even had anyone play catch with it. Scooter carried it as if it were a sultan in a sedan chair. Scooter said that he wanted his baseball to last. We let him play because one day, we hoped he would allow the good baseball to be battered. He never did. If we even suggested putting his baseball to good use, Scooter would go ballistic.

The refrigerator is cool

Our kitchen stove is dying one burner at a time. It is down to a single burner. The stove has been a good servant for 24 years, but it’s time to shed it for a new appliance. I look at the stove and wish I could repair it, but I could just as well be on Gilligan’s Island helping the Professor make a radio out of a coconut.

I worry that our other major appliances will be going the same route. They were purchased in a herd. I talk to our refrigerator as though I possess some sort of degree in counseling. I encourage it to go on. I assure it that the stove would have wanted it that way. Does your refrigerator have an outside or is it covered with random pieces of paper? Are there expired coupons from the Pleistocene era and faded cartoons held in place by fruit-shaped magnets that protect the refrigerator from harm? I hope the insulative qualities of such layers of paper help reduce utility bills.

Refrigerators are important for more than keeping things cold and being a bulletin board. Being in charge of one’s own fridge is a rite of passage. In addition, refrigerators make new stoves feel welcome.

Chihuahua chronicles

I had a Chihuahua for many years. He was my buddy. He was a Chihuahua but he didn’t know it. He thought he was half-pit bull and half-Rottweiler. His name was Sancho and he was my shadow. He was forced outside on cold days when nature called. Nature has small dogs on speed dial. My lovely bride bought Sancho a sweater. Sancho hated that sweater. My wife would put it on him and Sancho would get that “just shoot me” look.

When Sancho ventured forth on a frigid January day, I advised him not to dawdle. He dawdled. I’d peer out the window and there was Sancho whimpering, with his belly on the cold sidewalk and his feet held in the air. He had a tendency to freeze up. I’d grab a coat and rush to his rescue.

“Don’t move!” I’d say needlessly.

Nature notes

There are 19 breeding species of owls in North America, but only one, the snowy owl, is white. The white is protective coloration because the owl spends much of its life in snow. The white bird with the golden eyes is a spectacular sight. It nests in the arctic tundra of Alaska and Canada. In lean years, snowy owls fly south in winter in search of food—prey like voles and mice. I’ve seen them on fence posts, large hay bales, and airport runways.

Meeting adjourned

For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds in which you could have been happy. Be kind.