Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“Do you golf?”

“I do.”

“What’s your handicap?”

“That little windmill.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: two heads are better than one, but make it difficult to buy T-shirts.

I’ve learned:

1. We forget what we were taught, but we remember what we learned.

2. No one washes a rented car.

3. To a wall, a door travels a lot

The Loafers’ Club Meeting redux

The legend lives on from the Loafers’ Club on down of an ancient policeman named Hank Uft. Hank once found a dead horse on Ignaszewski Street in town. He was required to fill out a report. Hank couldn’t spell “Ignaszewski,” so he hitched the dead horse to his squad car and dragged it to Main Street. Hank said that because of the horse’s death, the local school had to drop its driver’s education program.

It wasn’t Hank Uft

It was darker than the inside of a pants pocket as I motored home from a job. Ahead of me, a police car had a vehicle pulled over. I made my intended turn right before them. As I made the turn, I saw that the other auto pulled back into the traffic lane and continued on its way. The squad car made a U-turn and then turned down the same road as I had. It was OK. It’s a free country. Even though my driver’s education class in school was a crash course, I think of myself as a good driver. We were just two cars traveling the same road. Suddenly, there were more lights than at a night game at Yankee Stadium. Red, white, and blue. Glaring, spinning, and blinking. I pulled to the side of the road as my mind raced in an attempt to come up with a reason why I was being pulled over. The best I could come up with was that I had driven by a couple of road signs reading, “Do Not Pass.”

The officer was pleasant. I had a headlamp that was out at the same time I was.

A budding entomologist

Kim Williams of Grundy Center told her granddaughter that she need not be afraid of grasshoppers and that they didn’t bite. The 7-year-old replied, “Then how do they eat?”

Road wars

Our roads are dotted with roadkill. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum that it could be done. Raccoons and Range Rovers don’t mix. Woolly bear caterpillars are squashed while attempting to forecast the upcoming winter. Butterflies bounce off bumpers. Paul Anderson of Albert Lea says that we have “deer crossing” signs but we need “squirrel crossing” signs, too. If only we could train the deer to cross by the “deer crossing” signs.

Nature notes

“What is the recipe for the solution to neutralize skunk spray on a dog?” Mix 1 quart of 3 percent hydrogen peroxide, ¼-cup baking soda, and 1-teaspoon liquid soap. Wash the sprayed animal for 5 to 10 minutes. Keep the mixture out of eyes, nose, and mouth. Rinse with tap water. This mixture is the size for a small dog. Double it for a medium-sized dog and triple for a large dog.

Meeting Adjourned

Seneca said, “Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.”