Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“What are you so grumpy about?”

“Paying my taxes.”

“Didn’t you pay them on time?”

“I paid them early, but it takes me a long time to get over being grumpy about it.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: where is a fool and his money when I need him?

I’ve learned

1. That if I’m going to procrastinate, I’d better do it now.

2. That when tornado sirens sound, everyone should run in different directions. That way, the tornado won’t be able to get everyone.

3. Thinner TVs do not lead to thinner TV viewers.

The Tooth Fairy has a lot of expenses

My young son had just lost a tooth. He placed it under his pillow. My wife reminded me to put a dollar in its place during the night.

She woke me on the east side of midnight to ask if I had put the money under the pillow. I had forgotten. I staggered from bed and felt about the top of my dresser in search of my wallet. I pulled a bill from it and, only half awake, sneaked into my son’s room. I placed the bill under the pillow and took the free-range tooth in return.

The next morning, as I dressed for work, I discovered that I had placed a $20 bill under his pillow.

My son was elated. So much so, that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the Tooth Fairy expected change back.

I hid all the pliers I owned. I was afraid my son would use one to pull another $20 tooth.

It had been dry

A friend reminded me of an old saying, “Plant in the mud, the crop’s a dud. Plant in the dust, the bins will bust.” I’ve heard that often, but had forgotten about it. I forget a thing like that and then it hits me just like something in gym class. My junior high phy ed class began the same way each day. The teacher tossed a volleyball in our direction and told us to throw it at someone. We did. We learned that ducking and dodging are great life skills. Every class, someone said, “I was wondering why the volleyball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.”

The basketball diaries

I watched a loved one play basketball. Her team defeated a squad much larger than them in both physical size and school enrollment to qualify for a state tournament. The loved one, a granddaughter named Joey, had four fouls in the game. Her grandmother, who doubles as my wife, fretted a bit about the fouls. I look at fouls in a basketball game like this. You get five fouls a game. You can’t save them or carry them over to the next game. Using up four fouls each game is a sensible allocation of a resource. What you don’t use, you lose.

Cooking up a dorm

When I lived in a crummy room so small that I needed to step into the hallway to change my mind, I wasn’t supposed to do any cooking. It wasn’t much of a problem as I wasn’t much of a cook, but I felt a need to eat and to eat cheaply. I found a way. I buttered two slices of Wonder Bread. I put the slices on aluminum foil or waxed paper with the buttered sides down. I placed a slice of Velveeta cheese on one piece of bread, covered it with the other slice, and wrapped it all in the foil or waxed paper. I used a clothes iron on its highest setting to press a grilled cheese sandwich. I ran the iron over the combination for about a minute before repeating the ironing on the flip side. I also made edible grilled peanut butter sandwiches. It might not have been the safest thing to do, but then neither was eating my own cooking.

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I’ve spent a lot of time around cows, but there is something about a guy that makes him want to say “moo” when he sees a cow. “Moo,” I said.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “I was just going to say that.”

Meeting adjourned

“If you have not often felt the joy of doing a kind act, you have neglected much, and most of all yourself.” — A. Neilen