Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

How much is dinner?

It’s all you can eat for $12.

Give me $20 worth. I’m really hungry.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Velcro shoes are a rip-off.

The news from Hartland

Buff Orpington has a cart pulled by sheep. It runs on sheer woolpower

The Nice to Meat You butcher shop holds a meat and greet.

Rover, his parents wanted a dog, straightened things out at work and lost his job at the pretzel factory.

The cafe chronicles

The menu said two eggs any style. I considered Gangnam Style, but I wasn’t sure what that was.

Farm rules

Sometimes, when I open my mouth, my father comes out.

Dad took the slow road. A good idea, as forever goes by fast. He was a farmer who agreed with Jonathan Swift, who said, “Whoever makes two ears of corn or two blades of grass to grow where only one grew before, deserves better of mankind, and does more essential service to his country than the whole race of politicians put together.”

He taught me things. Things like the following.

It isn’t farming if you don’t have to do it more than once.

Figure out how long it takes to do a job and then double it.

Done seldom is.

Do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do.

A needed stop

I’d been traveling more than a third-string point guard.

I was between dirty looks. That meant it was my anniversary.

I needed to make one more stop before going home. When Coach Jim Clark made our team run laps, there was always one more lap to run. There is always one more stop needed.

The man greeted me as I entered his room. He had a face worn by weather and time. He was a man who had never gotten used to many conveniences. He was like a dog that loved to run free and hated to be leashed. It limited cavorting. The man had grown sturdy. His eyebrows had become bushy enough to look as if they could cavort on their own. His body had him leashed to his room, which had become his departure lounge.

He was fond of using what he referred to as “two-cylinder” words, short ones. He was never one to pass up a day of fishing for work. He worked hard when he worked, but saw no need to one day be the richest man in the cemetery. He asked if I’d be willing to cry at his funeral. I was willing.

He said that his youngest grandson had asked him, “Grandpa, were you on Noah’s ark?”

“Good golly, no,” said the grandfather.

“Then how come you didn’t drown when the flood came?”

Talking with the Holstein

The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has the time to talk. She asked me if I was considering taking an overseas job I’d been offered. I told her that I hadn’t decided yet.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, “That’s good. Knowledge brings doubts. Ignorance brings confidence.”

Customer comments

Sue Nasinec of Wells sent this quote from Mae West, “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

Tim Nelson of New Richland told me that he has a mother-in-law from Hell. She lives in Hell, Norway.

Winston Beiser of Alden visited Egypt. He arrived home to rainy weather. He said that after seeing so many deserts, he realized what a blessing abundant rainfall is.

Did you know?

The night Abraham Lincoln was shot, he was carrying a pocket knife, a watch fob, an Irish linen handkerchief, a brown leather wallet, a crisp new Confederate $5 bill, two pairs of gold-rimmed eyeglasses, and eight newspaper clippings. One of the spectacles was held together with string.

Nature notes

“Does a thin brown band on a woolly bear caterpillar indicate a harsh winter?” The amount of brown on a woolly bear is related to its age. If a caterpillar emerged from the egg early, it had more time to grow and develop a large brown band. If the woolly bear emerged late, it wouldn’t have had time to grow anything other than a thin band. Thus, the band tells us more about the past winter than the upcoming one.

Meeting adjourned

Francis of Assisi said, “A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows.”

A single kind word is capable of the same thing.