Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

I’m drinking too much coffee.

Why do you say that?

Because I’m awake.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: brawl, scuffle, fracas, and battle are fighting words.

The cafe chronicles

He salted every food item but the pie. His doctor told him to cut back, but he was a rebel. The MD told him that he needed to exercise, saying, “Would you rather exercise an hour a day or be dead 24 hours a day?”

The discussion was about daylight-saving time. The fellow picked salt from between his teeth before saying, “Leave it to the government to cut a foot off the top of my blanket, sew it onto the bottom of the blanket, and then tell me that I have a longer blanket.”

Rambling around

The roads were overcrowded and under construction. A truck accelerated so when the driver put the pedal to the metal that it passed everything on the road except a gas pump. A Mini Cooper driver enjoyed a beverage from a cup bigger than the car. That sight caused me to pull off the highway into a McDonald’s in pursuit of an iced tea. As I waited, a man in line watched a football game on his cellphone. The cheerleaders exhorted the fans to chant, “Dee-fense.” The crowd came back with something that sounded like “Duh-fence.” Why don’t they ever chant “Offense”?

A woman with three small, screaming kids was just ahead of me. “I’d like three Happy Meals,” she told the clerk. I hope the Happy Meals worked.

Boys of all ages

James Thurber said, “Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.”

Over a couple weeks, I encountered a good number of 90-year-olds. That was a good thing. I learn from them. One told me that when he turned 50, he figured he would die soon. He decided that nothing would ever make him angry again. For some reason, he thought that meant he’d never die.

“That works?” I asked.

“Well,” he said, “it has so far.”

The other day, someone asked me, “Guess who died?”

I didn’t want to guess. The question reminded me of my Grandma Batt who was fond of saying, “Whatshisname died again.”

The man was dying. His family gathered about him in his bedroom. From his bed, he called to his wife. She responded. She’d been with him when he went bankrupt. She stuck with him when he went bankrupt a second time. She was bad luck, but he loved her. He called to each of his five children. Each called back.

“Is the entire family here?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “we’re all here for you.”

There was a pause before he said, “Then why is the living room light still on?”

I was eating their words

The menu showed, “Wild Copper River Salmon with Creamy Balsamic Rosemary, Caramelized Onions, and Wild Mushrooms.”

The price was nearly as long.

Dan Jurafsky, a professor of linguistics at Stanford, wrote in his book, “The Language of Food,” that every additional letter in the description of a dish results in an increase of 69 cents in the price of that dish. Jurafsky found that the words “exotic” and “spices” also raised prices. Expensive restaurants tend to describe where the food comes from. Linguistic fillers such as “mouth-watering,” “sublime,” and “crispy” are featured most often on cheap menus. I’m looking for a menu that says “Food” and nothing more.

Talking with the Holstein

The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her why forgiveness is difficult.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, “The first step to forgiveness is the realization that the other party is a complete knucklehead.”

Customer comments

Helen Abramson of Meadowlands sent, “A new study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.”

Harold “Hap” Hagen of New Richland showed me a lovely painting on a circular saw blade of two houses he’d lived in. Art is the loveliest when it has special meaning.

Nature notes

The common carp, native to Europe and Asia, was introduced into Midwest waters as a gamefish in the 1880s. Its feeding muddies water and causes the decline of aquatic plants needed by waterfowl and fish.

Meeting adjourned

If you’re of school age, you’re out of danger of being killed by kindness.