Work to instill respect in children
Published 7:01 am Sunday, November 1, 2015
QUESTION: How do I hold my child accountable with respect?
ANSWER: When we treat our children with kindness and firmness, we teach them to stand up for their own desires firmly and respectfully. Here are very clear scenarios from Empowering People parent educator Jane Nelson that compare a parental consequence that is done in frustration, with disrespect, versus a parental consequence that is done calmly and respectfully:
The situation is a mom and her 9 year old daughter Jenny playing a card game. The 9 year old becomes hyper and starts acting silly. Mom asks Jenny to stop the silliness several times, but the 9 year old just acts sillier.
If mom responds with the following words, she is being firm with a consequence; however, she is not being kind: “Jenny, I don’t want to play with you anymore because you’re acting silly; and I’m not going to let you play cards with my adult friends anymore since you can’t behave yourself.” The feeling behind what mom just said was punitive, with a lecture thrown in.
Mom could respond differently: “Jenny, I don’t enjoy playing cards when you are acting silly. You can stop now, or I’ll stop playing cards. It’s up to you.”
The key to effectiveness is to say what you mean and mean what you say. In other words, say it only once and follow through with kindness and firmness. If Jenny keeps acting silly, Mom needs to quietly get up, saying “Maybe we can try again tomorrow” and leave the room.
If Jenny follows her, begging for more playing time, Mom needs to calmly repeat, “Maybe we’ll play again tomorrow, when it will be fun for both of us.” If Jenny weeps or stomps her feet, Mom needs to focus her attention on something else.
If you would like to talk about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Linea de Apoyo at 1-877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org and books, CDs and DVDs on positive discipline at the PRC Specialty Library (105 First Street SE, Austin).
