Down with New Year’s resolutions. They are nothing more than pompous, hackneyed reproaches that like nothing better than to boast of their own self-importance by berating us each January over our past failures. Who, I ask you, wants to begin a new year with that kind of rebuke? Consequently this year I’m going to completely ignore their annoying, over-inflated, high-minded bluster by going low-minded. Up with low, I say.

Okay, okay, so my resolutions are not really all that gutter low. Instead they are sensible, doable and sane, not forcing my expectations beyond my capabilities. Besides, it is my belief that New Year’s Resolutions are laid on us by perky, malleable twenty-somethings who still have the flexibility and time to remold themselves. Therefore, here and now I resolve to reconfigure all those ridiculous, elusive, unattainable goals to fit me — US. — not them. Here, my glorious golden girls, are my suggestions:

1. Start with the most despised of all pontifical resolutions; the one that has haunted us all our lives. Losing weight. Arrrgh. What a major bummer. It’s high time we moved on from its tiring, irritating guilt. Thus rather than lamenting our padding, let’s embrace it. After all, girls, having a lumpy figure is way better than having no figure at all. Besides, I have it on good authority that grandchildren do not like to hug bones. Overwhelmingly, grands prefer soft, cushiony, squeezable grammas. Note: This includes a pillowy bust, the one that currently rests just above — or upon — our waists.

2. Floss more. It soothes eating remorse.

3. Wear more glitz. Glitz makes you sparkly. In particular, wear twinkly earrings which distract people from noticing wrinkles. Then while twinkling, remember to smile. Smiles lift wrinkles into playful gathers knitted around our eyes like gay ruffles, while at the same time pulling our cheek wrinkles upward. And do not, for heaven’s sake, overlook loving our double chins. They serve, after all, as nice, comfy resting places for our aging faces.

4. Eat fat. Not a lot, but enough to lubricate our moving parts. Caution: do not go overboard on this, but do occasionally enjoy the nice fatty rims around prime rib and pork chops. Bacon, as well, should not be ignored for it is one of life’s frostings. And let’s face it, isn’t bacon why God invented pigs?

5. Read more. But, do not struggle through books that are unworthy of our time. That old adage of finishing what you start no longer applies to seniors. Our remaining minutes are too precious.

6. Pets are a fine idea. They demand that we think of something other than ourselves. The small on-your-lap varieties get my vote as their need for cuddling makes one feel important, needed and loved. I strongly suggest the non-shedding varieties. They eliminate the need to vacuum and thereby avoid an entanglement with the vacuum cleaner cord and the ensuing breakage of a necessary bone.

7. Leftovers almost always taste better than when they were first served. Thus, when entertaining, cook several days before the guests arrive. This nullifies that awful last minute fervor of rushing to get everything done, and allows us to have a better time at our own party. Note: a microwave is needed to accomplish this.

8. Organize. On this be adamant. All lives, in particular senior lives, need a calming atmosphere which is only obtained through an ordered environment. Most important. Do not leave a mess for the children to wade through. The unfairness of this is — well — unfair. Never begin by looking at a whole room. It defeats us as surely as January raises our heating bills. Rather, begin with one drawer. Only one. Make three piles: the keep pile, the throw out pile and the give away pile. Put the keep pile back into the drawer. Remove from the premises the other two piles. Never look at them again. Next pull up a chair and admire the vision of the ordered drawer. The wonder of it inspires us to move on to drawer No. 2. Repeat the process for all drawers. In the blink of an eye, self pride blossoms faster than mushroom spores. Next, the closets.

9. Do not cling to unfinished projects. Rather than scolding ourselves for not completing them, donate those materials to others for their enjoyment. Stacks of unused fabrics, yarn, quilting squares, scrap booking supplies—what have you—weigh heavily on our contentment. You know darned well the projects you will never complete. These, girls, are treasures to other creative folks who yearn to fulfill their lives, too. Just as these projects once excited us, rejoice in passing on that delight to others. Guarantee: you will glow brighter.

10. And, for Pete’s sake, it is not the end of the world if we have not finished our projects. It doesn’t matter. Move on from that penitence. I believe that dabbling is a good thing. Dabbling teaches us all kinds of stuff. And the really good deal is that in our next lifetimes we will not have to take Lesson 101 because we’ve already dabbled through it. Instead, we will move right on to Lesson 102.

11. Always know where the nearest bathroom is. Enough said.

12. Part with books. Donate them to the library’s spring used book sale. This does not include smelly or tattered books, for would you like to snuggle up with a stinky, torn book? Yuck. Nobody does. Haul out boxes of books while still able to haul. And if that divide has been reached, ask an able neighbor to help. That is why the world is divided into weak and strong, young and old. And if our books are moldy, throw them away. Moldy books must be banished from the earth.

13. Get a recliner. It’s a comfort for both body and soul. Avoid, however, being folded up in it. Create an escape plan in the event this happens. Post it on the chair.

14. Carry a cordless phone at all times. It negates a mad rush to answer it and/or locate it. A perfect container is our cleavage. Note: men are on their own. And do not even suggest what comes to mind.

15. Spend lots and lots of time with friends. If the friendships have worn thin, get some new ones. New friends are all over the place. They’re also on the hunt for us.

16. Eat more chocolate and ice cream. Stop worrying about it. There is no greater truth than this: no one can be glum while consuming chocolate and ice cream.

17. Get a hearing aid. Mortgage the house if necessary.

18. Occasionally think an impure thought. It’s exhausting to always be good.

19. If over 65, learn how to spell and pronounce cataract and prostate.

20. Take a bath every morning. Nothing is more revolting than the smell of old people who smell like old people.

21. Going to church is a good thing — usually. But, if we can’t get there — or don’t want to — continue to embrace God in our hearts at home.

22. If you are still a holdout wearing a girdle, take it off now. Bulges and jiggles are okay. A girdle will not bring enlightenment in 2016.

23. Accept the fact that when someone greets us with a “How are you?” they do not really and truly want a rundown of our medical conditions. This includes any recently implanted parts, lab tests and increasingly long list of prescriptions.

24. Write down your best ever experience. Or your worst. Writing is a good thing. Write until that memory is wrung dry. Then pass it on to a grandchild when that child is old enough to appreciate it. And perish the thought that if you’ve never left Austin you have not had adventures. It’s flat out not true.

25. If our driver’s licenses have been revoked, be grateful that we’re not a hazard to ourselves and others. From the backseat, enjoy being Miss Daisy.

26. And finally, on a personal note, I resolve to finally and forever give up on holding in my stomach. After seventy-seven years, it’s just not working for me. And, please, if you meet my mom in heaven, DO NOT TELL HER!

Peggy Keener of Austin is the author of two books: “Potato In A Rice Bowl” and “Wondahful Mammaries.” Peggy Keener invites readers to share their memories with her by emailing pggyknr@yahoo.com. Memories shared with Keener may be shared or referenced in subsequent editions of “Full Circle.”