Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

You look great.

Thanks.

What’s your secret?

I showered.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: A junk drawer is a time capsule. Don’t complain until you find someone who is willing to listen to your complaints. Never talk to anyone while they are writing a check to you.

Winter woes

I have a great affection for the seasons, but a blizzard can strain that relationship. A speaking engagement in Guthrie Center and a ballgame in Willmar were both postponed. The cat ate breakfast, declared the day to be a snow day and took a nap.

On a nicer day of weather for humans, I traveled to Iowa to speak. I drove in a semi-conscious state. I was aware of large trucks.

Iowa has great crops because the caucus provides enough farmland fertilizer to last until the next caucus.

Boxing and basketball referees

The young son of Mr. Wayne stumbled a bit on the bleachers and fell against my knee. It’s true. Into each life, a little Wayne must fall.

He wasn’t injured, so I didn’t need to abide by the Minnesota Good Samaritan Law. That law states that if you encounter an injured person, a Minnesotan is required to say, “Have a nice day.”

“I Never Played The Game” was a book written by Howard Cosell. Cosell became famous while doing cocksure commentary on “Monday Night Football” while accompanied by ex-football players Frank Gifford and Dandy Don Meredith. He said of himself, “Arrogant, pompous, obnoxious, vain, cruel, verbose, a showoff. There’s no question that I’m all of those things.” The New York Times had this to say, “He entered sports broadcasting in the mid-1950s, when the predominant style was unabashed adulation, offered a brassy counterpoint that was first ridiculed, then copied until it became the dominant note of sports broadcasting.”

A friend told me that he’d tried to like Cosell, but Cosell made it impossible. The subject of Cosell’s book was centered on the fact that Cosell had never played football.

I sat on a slice of the uncomfortable bleachers. I had never played the game. Oh, I’d played innumerable basketball games, but this was a girls’ basketball game. I watched as a granddaughter amazed me with a panoply of dipsy-doodles and sleight-of-hand. It gave my world a shine. A friend and former teammate was one of the referees. My wife waved at him before the game. He didn’t see her. That was no surprise. If he had good eyesight, he wouldn’t have been a basketball referee.

I was in a St. Paul eatery once when a fellow told me that he’d been a boxer in his youth. His friend chided him that the man’s pugilistic skills had been such that he’d taken too many punches.

The ex-boxer admitted the same by saying, “I never let one get by me.”

Basketball referees try to do that with their officiating. They do a good job.

February birthdays

My wife’s birthday is Feb. 4, my granddaughter Everly’s is Feb. 5 and my mother’s was Feb. 6. Three ladies who had corralled my love. When I think of the happiness they have brought me, I want to snort milk through my nose.

In Jewish culture, it’s a tradition to leave a small stone atop a gravestone, as a way to honor the deceased and mark a visit. I find it an act worth emulating and placed a stone on the graves of my parents. It was a loving “thank you” gift even if it wasn’t giftwrapped.

 A gambling tip

I lost a dollar in a slot machine once. It has been my lone venture into casino gambling. I played the penny machine. It took a long time to lose a dollar. I’d win a little and lose a little until the buck was finally gone. I’m still smarting from the loss, but I learned something about casinos that I hope you might find helpful. The person seated next to you will always have better luck than you will. So try to get there early and get that seat before he or she does.

Nature notes

A reader from Mankato asks, “Why doesn’t a duck’s quack echo?” It does echo. I’ve heard it. This is a myth perpetuated by online lists.

Meeting adjourned

“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” — Mohandas Gandhi.

Be kind.