QUESTION: Are some conflict styles “good” and some “bad?”

ANSWER: All styles are useful; the important thing is to understand what/why we are using a style. The goal is to be intentional and responsive, rather than “automatic” and reactionary.

We all have a “preferred” style of conflict. We have learned that conflict style by functioning in our family of origin and because it tends to match our personality temperament. However, if/when we are “blocked” in using that preferred style by our “conflict partner,” we will move to a “back up” style. In fact, we may not stay in our “preferred” conflict style very long; it depends on who we are in conflict with — and what his/her style is. (This is what makes conflict so confusing — it’s timing and it’s people changing styles in the conflict process.)

If a person constantly uses only one style, it is likely that a conflict style will ultimately “work against” him/her. For instance, a person who is always an accommodating “Teddy Bear” is likely to be exploited by others and that person will ultimately feel resentful towards others.

Every style has a helpful and unhelpful potential: for instance — a “Fox” using his/her skills productively is a skilled compromiser; used negatively, he/she is a manipulator/con artist.

No style can be useful all the time. For instance, the “Owl” is a problem-solver, which is very often a positive; however, problem-solving takes time — and others who are able to cooperate. Some decisions simply have to be made quickly — for safety, for instance. There may only be a “small window of opportunity” and a leader needs to make the best decision given the circumstances, or the “leader” is responsible for others who simply do not yet have the skills or maturity to have shared power, which is the case for parents of young children.

To talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in child-raising, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org and free resources at the Parenting Resource Center Specialty Library (105 First St. SE, Austin).