Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

Jim Simser of Fairmont gathers with about 15 other gentlemen at a cafe each day. They spend about an hour drinking coffee and trying to solve more problems than they create.

A worthy goal for us all.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: My wife says that I have male-pattern blindness. I can look into a refrigerator or closet and be unable to see what I’m looking for. She is wrong. I don’t need a refrigerator or closet to be unable to find what I’m looking for.

The cafe chronicles

The Knights of the Bent Fork were meeting for lunch. They were men who knew everything, but they just couldn’t remember it.

“Do you have any pie?” asked one.

“What kind of pie do you want?” asked the waitress in return.

“What kind of pie do you have?”

“We don’t have any.”

“Oh, that includes the kind I wanted,” admitted the Knight.

A scene from a marriage

“Why don’t you wear your gloves?” my wife asked.

“I don’t want to lose them.”

She rolled her eyes far back, as only put-upon wives are able.

Losing gloves is less likely to happen if I keep them safe and sound at home. I misplaced a lot of gloves and mittens when I was a little boy. I’m trying to correct that pattern in adulthood.

Crepitation

I hadn’t wished that I lived in another hemisphere, but the weather wasn’t what I’d hoped for.

The weather had been one of the worst spells of weather we’d had this winter.

I had just purchased a loaf of St. John’s bread. It’s good stuff. It was winter, right enough, well below zero, but I still refused to wear hat and gloves as I strolled across the campus.

People greeted this old bread hauler with, “Aren’t you cold?”

I replied, “It’s a perfect day for it.”

I stayed at the Guest House at St. John’s Abbey while teaching a class at Collegeville. The lodging is one of the best places — lovely and quiet.

My bed had a single pillow. That’s nearly as rare as a passenger pigeon. Despite the lone pillow, I fell asleep while reading without a hitch.

I walked to class on a brisk morning, a teenager slipped and fell on the ice. She laughed. So did her friend who helped her up.

I cringed.

She was at an age where falling can still be funny. I’m past that.

I stumbled in church recently. I wasn’t part of an exercise class held in the church basement. I was getting out of a pew. I looked to see if there was something I might have tripped over. I had nothing to blame but my foot and shoe. No matter. I learned long ago that whenever I feel like an idiot, it’s because I’m an idiot. As I made my way to the back of the church, one of my knees crepitated. It made a crackling sound.

It was still better than falling on the ice.

She’s a peach

Frank Vogel of Underwood told me that he’d attended a fancy feed that had more forks than foods. He explained that was in case he dropped a fork on the floor, he’d always have another one to use.

I thought of taking my wife to a fabulous feast for her birthday on February 4. Last year, I gave her a big surprise for her birthday. At least it was a surprise to me. This year, I bought her something round with a big stone. That’s right, I’ve purchased a peach for my peach of a wife.

Ask Al

“What is the secret to a long marriage?” Remembering each other’s name.

“I saw snails on the road last summer. What were they doing?” About .03 miles per hour.

“Where is the best place to practice my loon calls?” At Death Valley, next to the novice bagpipe player.

“Why do men eat so much?” It’s because it takes a lot to wash down the taste of a man’s foot.

Nature notes

“Do birds have teeth?” A few species look as if they do, but they’re toothlike notches on the mandibles. They aren’t used to chew food. A developing chick inside an egg may have an egg tooth, a sharp projection on its upper bill. The chick uses the egg tooth to help break out of the egg. The egg tooth disappears in time.

Meeting adjourned

Kindness makes you the most beautiful person in the world.