Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

This is my lucky day.

How’s that?

My hat blew off and was run over by a big truck.

Why does that make this your lucky day?

My head wasn’t still in my hat.
Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: It takes an antique to truly appreciate an antique. Whenever someone loses weight, someone else gains it. The things you dislike will seldom break.
The cafe chronicles

The Knights of the Bent Fork surrounded the table. They were men who get up early so they can start their naps sooner and claim to enjoy an occasional beet sandwich. Most of us don’t care where our food comes from as long as it keeps coming. It was the perfect eatery for us, a cafe that used gravy like duct tape. It fixed everything.
Hiccups, the potholes of life

Pogo said, “From here on down it’s uphill all the way.”

Maybe goofy things have something to do with getting older. I know how old I am. I’ve been keeping count.

I had the hiccups for nearly 18 hours. It was no record and it was no fun. I was plumb tuckered. My poor mind was addled sadly. I consulted a doctor. I tried all the usual cures. Holding my breath, drinking a glass of water quickly, pulling on my tongue, biting on a lemon, gargling with water, taking a spoonful of sugar, saying “pineapple,” taking a teaspoonful of vinegar, a big spoonful of peanut butter, putting a teaspoon of honey stirred in warm water on the back of my tongue before swallowing it, breathing deeply into a paper bag, place a paper towel over the top of a glass of water and drinking through the towel, drinking from the wrong side of the glass and wishing them away.

I looked up the Guinness record for the longest attack of hiccups. Charles Osborne (1894-1991) of Anthon, Iowa, started hiccupping in 1922 while attempting to weigh a hog before slaughtering it. He was unable to find a cure and continued hiccupping until February 1990, a total of 68 years.

I will never weigh another hog.
Hammering and showering

I was busier than a short-tailed cow during fly season. I put on some gray pants in a hurry. I noticed later that they looked green in sunlight. Color-coordination is tricky. When I was a young fellow, I thought there were only two kinds of jobs. There were those in which you showered before work and the kind where you showered after work. I have done both.

I walked to the mailbox while carrying a hammer. I had two tasks. One was to get the mail and the other was to hammer the mailbox back together.

I wonder if I should have showered after doing those jobs rather than before?
This and that

A “Wall Street Journal” article said that the 40-member Kansas Senate doesn’t include a single lawyer.

That same newspaper said that in-store transactions involving checks typically take 67 seconds to complete, compared with 25 seconds for cash, 24 seconds for credit cards and 20 seconds for debit cards.

The 104 TV episodes of “Superman” that aired from 1953 onwards were watched by 91 percent of American households with a TV and children under 12. The actor playing Superman, George Reeves, made personal appearances in costume until a boy approached him holding his father’s gun and asked to see if bullets really bounced off Superman.

I read an article in “Barron’s” in which Warren Buffet said that his wife puts $2.61, $2.95 or $3.17 into the dashboard cup of his Cadillac each day and that determines what he orders at the McDonald’s drive-through every morning. He washes his breakfast down with his favorite beverage, a Coke, at his office.
And in local news

Man falls down escalator for 26 minutes.

Farmer admits that he is addicted to internet corn.

Football team hires cramp counselor.

TV weatherman is a little under the weather. He has never been on top of it.

Virgil’s Secret closes before anyone discovered what the secret was.
Nature notes

“Why don’t I see any barn owls?” They have suffered from loss of habitat — they prefer grassland habitat. They are highly susceptible to rodenticides, great horned owls prey on them, cold winters are hard on them and their hunting habits lead to collisions with cars.

Meeting adjourned.