Recently I’ve come to a big realization. I love gravity.  In the Cool Department it’s one of the best things about living on this planet.  And yet it’s funny we don’t talk much about it when it dictates virtually all our movements.  Like when was the last time you were in the check-out lane at HyVee and heard other shoppers chatting about this force which cleaves our terrestrial bodies to the center of the earth?  See what I mean?  Dead silence.

The truth is, where would we be without it?  This question got me thinking about how things would change if suddenly gravity stopped working.  Beauty shops would probably go out of business because we wouldn’t care about our “dos”.  Heck, with spiked locks poking in every direction, what would it matter?

Elastic sales would soar as we’d need strips of it in all our pants’ hems to avoid the embarrassment and heartache of crotch jamming.  And for sure we’d have to bolt all our furniture to the floor, if, that is, we could first figure out how to bolt our houses to the ground.  Which raises the question of whether or not there would be even be ground?

I suppose our facial wrinkles would amass at our hairlines.  There we’d be unable to hide their pleated accordian look because where our hair begins, we’d all have a fleshy log jam.  Reckon hat sizes would then have to expand.

We’d never go around with downcast expressions because we’d all appear in a constant state of unnatural astonishment as our eyebrows would be frozen in high arches like the wing points of bats.  Would that get tiring?  Would we have eyebrow aches?  And how would we  anchor our glasses to our fixed noses?  Tiny nostril chains?

Housewives would have to somehow find a way to vacuum the ceilings because all the dust would be clinging up there.  But, then on second thought, it might not be too bad because the vacuum would already be up there, too.  Still, let’s get real.  Would we really care?  All we’d have to do is stop looking up.

As for Christmas, no worries about the tree.  With it settling up against the ceiling, there’d be no fretting over two-year-old-toddlers and pet cats knocking it over.

Of course beds would have to be made upside down, the sheets and blankets rigidly tucked in with hospital corners on the underside of the box springs which have been pierced through by the jabby points on the popcorn ceilings.  Pillows would simply be strapped to our heads.  But, how would we close our eyes to sleep?  Wee Velcro eyelid tabs?

Hmm, wonder if nail polish and lipstick would stay put?  And would there be a danger of us girls being hanged by our necklaces?

Our plump bottoms would end up, of course, on our shoulders, redistributing us into Phantom of the Opera hunchbacks.  But, even more significant, we girls would get a major boost as our tummy fat would be pushed toward our collar bones making us all into Dolly Partons!

Additionally, double chins would all shift upward to give us fat lips.  Just imagine what the smoldering sumptuously sculpted mouth of Angelina Jolie would look like?  A Hollywood Ubangi?  By unspoken consensus, it would be best if we did not comment directly on each other’s appearances.

Just think, if we decided to trip the lights fantastic, “Dancing With the Stars” would take on a whole new meaning.  But, then, I suspose we’d all be fabulous dancers as we’d be light as feathers on our feet. Meanwhile that would make the detested bathroom scale obsolete, this being a good thing. Still it makes me wonder if Lionel Ritchie’s rendition of “Dancing on the Ceiling” would have to be done on the floor … and would that even be possible? I’m getting confused.

Safety pins, glue and tape would be hot sellers.  Without having to go up and down, airplanes would save a ton of gas.  We’d never ever be bothered again with having to shovel snow.  It would stay stuck up in the clouds.

I suppose cars would no longer be necessary, so we could ditch them.  Can’t you see the sky filled with Hormel workers on their way to and from the plant looking for all the world (with their lunch boxes floating beside them) like flocks of Canada geese on their spring and fall migrations?

It’s been said that the chances of an open-faced grape jam sandwich landing face down on the floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of one’s new carpet.  Another law of gravity states that any tool, nut, bolt or screw that is dropped will, without fail, roll to the least accessible corner. We wouldn’t have to deal with those pesky things anymore, would we?

As one fellow put it, “Just remember this. If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off! “  Still a gravityless world would certainly change things with the arbitrariness of all that stuff going up and down and all over the place. Above all, however, there remains one magnanimously excellent thing I would never complain about.  Even though they’d be blocking our vision, there would be no more sagging bosoms!