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Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, a great 19th Century philosopher, once proclaimed, “Jump and the net will appear.” Glen and I took that to heart this year when we dipped our wrinkly toes into the senior living pool. Boy, did our net ever appear!

We now live in a vibrant retirement community in Edina and couldn’t be happier—actually as contented as two ants on a ham sandwich.

Like what’s so bad about having a glass-enclosed, heated sky walk from our building to a world class hospital right across the street!!? What’s so bad about three gourmet meals a day, a beauty shop, a library, a movie theater, an exercise class, live weekly entertainment, a chapel and Happy Hour?

And then there’s our inviting, cozy apartment that as our needs change has a staff that will come to us so that we never have to move again. Crikey! In our 65th year together, life is darned splendid.

Having made that announcement, I now move on to Christmas. Each year I endeavor to impart to you pithy but practical words of wisdom. Lately I’ve been pondering over what those words will be. One thing, above the rest, has repeatedly come to mind.

Yes, that’s it! This year I will help you with your Christmas preparations! So, here dear family and friends, are words of utmost import that were recently shared with me. Be prepared as the universe is about to conspire in your favor ……

How to Cook a Christmas Turkey In Sixteen Easy Steps

Step 1. Buy a turkey.

Step 2. Have a glass of wine.

Step 3. Stuff the turkey.

Step 4. Have a glass of wine.

Step 5. Pluck random furkey teathers.

Step 6. Relux and have some blass of swine.

Step 7. Turk the bastey.

Step 8. Wine of gas another get.

Step 9. Phut thingy in oven (turn on first).

Step 10. Bake the dine for four showers.

Step 11. Shake oven out of slurkey.

Step 12. Tet the sable.

Step 13. Grab anutter wottle of bine.

Step 14. Turk the carvey.

Step 15. Bleet a splice of murkey.

Step 16. Burp.

There you have it. During this blessed holiday season may your slurkey be as puurfect as your con … con … shtentment.