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My friend Lee recently loaned me a book that is a treasure trove of good, down to earth ideas for every facet of our lives. Yes, indeed, the Stearns County Pioneer Club Cookbook has all the answers to everything you’ve ever wanted to know, including questions you’ve never even asked and probably never will!

The cookbook’s pithy advice comes from the year 1891 (133 years ago!). Clearly it was a year that stands out in history as one that incredibly knew the answers to everything.

For example the face. Your face. Are you, perchance, plagued with wrinkles? On a personal level, this is a pretty silly question because I live in a retirement community … but what the heck, here goes …

To rid yourself of wrinkles, get a one ounce chunk of wax. It must be white. Then strain two ounces of honey together with two ounces of the juice from lil-bulbs. Melt them all together while stirring to a boil. Slather on your face. Whereas this compound is guaranteed to remove wrinkles it comes with no guarantee that you will ever find any lil-bulbs. And one more thing. It says nothing about cooling the scalding concoction before applying. But, then, I guess the third degree burns would cover the wrinkles, huh?

Now, have you ever yearned for curly hair? Yearn no more for help is on the way. Take one pound of olive oil, one drachum of organum oil, and one and a half drachums of rosemary oil. At this point, the cookbook leaves us stranded. No further instructions. Do we slap in on our heads, drink it, rub it on our feet? So, if you try it, please let me know. Also, can I borrow your drachums?

Are you freckle challenged? Do not dwell on it a moment longer for here’s a down home, never-fail solution for all your spotty problems. It’s called “Facial Pearl Water.” Take a half pound of the best quality Windsor Soap that you can find. Scrape it fine and then add it to a half gallon of boiling water. Stir it well until it cools. Then add a pint of spirits of wine and a half pounce (not ounce) of rosemary oil. Stir again. Freckles be gone! And … this is just a suggestion … to further assist the potency of this potion, why not throw in an even heftier slug of spirits of wine? In doing this on a regular basis, you will never again care if you have any freckles.

And now sugueing into self help. If you ever find yourself near death after being struck by lightning, here’s what you should do before you die. First haul yourself off to a shower and stay under the cold water for two hours. If you, the patient, do not see signs of life—your life—stay under the cold shower for an extra hour! In all honesty, I’m at a loss for words over this advice although it surely convinces me to stay in the house when it rains. Actually, never go outdoors ever again.

Here’s your final helpful hint. It’s actually your lucky day for this one is a recipe. Trust me, it is like no other. Indeed, you may well have waited a lifetime for this.

Boiled Calf Head

Calf head (one)

Water (lots)

Salt (only a little)

Parsley (minced, 1 tablespoon)

Salt and pepper (to taste)

Lemon juice (1 tablespoon)

First scrub the head. After it has been thoroughly cleaned and the brains removed, soak it in warm water to blanch it. Carefully place the brains in warm water to soak and let them remain for about one hour. Put the head in a stew pan with sufficient cold water to cover it. Turn up the heat. When it boils, add a little salt. Take off every particle of scum as it rises to the top and boil the head until perfectly tender. (Sorry, no guidance here from me as I’ve never judged what a perfectly tender hog head is.)

Boil the brains, chop them and mix them with melted butter, minced parsley, pepper, salt and lemon juice in the above mentioned proportions.

Remove the head, skin and tongue and put them in a small dish along with the brains. Smother the head with the parsley and butter. Put it in a tureen and place it on the table.

Indispensable embellishments are bacon, ham, pickled pork or a pig’s cheek. (It doesn’t say which one.) You may also slice up the brains and serve them with chopped hard boiled eggs.

Quite honestly, such grandiosity leaves me breathless … actually more like I’ve just had the wind knocked out of me. (And here all along I thought Oscar Meyer was the king of mystery meat.)

The good news about this county cookbook is that it also offers advice for the good life. For instance, rules for eating! (Note the colorful and sometimes inexplicable English.)

1. Never ever sit down to table with an anxious or disturbed mind. Better a hundred times to itermit that meal, for there will be that much more food in the world for hungrier stomachs than yours, and besides eating under such circumstances can only and will always, prolong and aggravate the condition of things. (If this were true, then why are there so many fat people? Lots of fat disturb-minded people eat a lot and more often than not it is because they are fat disturb-minded people.)

2. Never sit down to a meal after any intense mental effort, for physical and mental efforts injure body, mind and estate. (If you ask me, the most intense mental effort that many people expend is trying to figure out—while in their intense mental effort—how they’re going to pay for their estate!)

3. Never go to a full table during bodily exhaustion, designated by some as being worn out, tired to death, used up, overdone, pooped and the like. The wisest thing to be done under such circumstances is to take a cracker and a cup of warm tea—either black or green—and nothing more. In ten minutes, you will feel a degree of refreshment and liveliness which will be pleasantly surprising to you: not of the transient kind which a glass of liquor affords, but permanent, as the tea gives present stimulus and a little strength before it subsides, plus nutriment begins to draw from the sugar and cream and cracker, thus allowing the body gradually and by safe degrees to regain its usual vigor. Then, in a couple of hours before sundown, if later, then take nothing for that day in addition for the cracker and tea and the next day you will feel a freshness and vigor not recently known. (My opinion is that I’m not sure what was just said. It is also my guess that this questionably sound advice comes from the team of Dr. Bogus and Dr. Quack.)

The final word is this: no intelligent, rule-abiding person will require to be advised a second time, if they will conform to the above rules, while it surely is a fact of no unusual observation coming to you from highly skilled physicians …. (like Dr. Bogus and Dr. Quack!)

Did anybody out there understand what I just said?