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Have you ever wished you were someone other than yourself? I don’t mean that you would suddenly morph into Miss America, Einstein, or even Elvis. No, no. My question is way more consequential than that.

What I’m talking about is you … yes, you … having an acute, profound, all encompassing transformation. Like, say, from a human to an animal. Okay, so I agree that this is extremely bizarre. But … come on now … is it really necessary? I’m here to tell you that apparently it is. Indeed, so much so that there are legitimate words for this wacky desire. No kidding.

Let’s begin. Everyone reading this column right now please raise your hand if you ever wanted to be a wolf. Don’t hold back. No one can see you there in the privacy of your home, so get your hand in the air!

You see, some folks take this desire way beyond simply thinking how cool life as a wolf would be. They live under a thick cloud of delusion in which they believe they really have transformed into one.

I personally don’t know of any human being who has changed into a wolf, but I’m okay with the idea if that’s what rocks the wolf wannabes’ boats. So, as promised, the word for this unusual desire is “lycanthropy” … the process of or ability to transform oneself into a wolf. Think about this for a moment. There are so many people who covet this leap that there is actually a word for it! Far out!

Presently our American society is struggling with what proper nouns are really properly proper anymore. For example, which noun should use which school bathroom? If you were always a girl, then you may use the ladies room. If you were always a boy, then proceed to the gent’s room. But what about all those kids in between? Or a wolf child? Is there another noun option for them …. a very, very far distant outhouse in a corn field somewhere?

So, does being lycanthropic mean there must additionally be special school bathrooms for wolf people? Additionally, can a wolf person be on the football team or be a cheerleader? Actually I could see playing football, but I dread the thought of a lycanthropic cheerleader having to slug through a daily leg shaving … including her face.

The world has indeed become complex.

But, there is more. Have you ever had the wish to become a dog? Your dog? Your neighbor’s dog? Lassie? Well, there’s a name for you, too. “Synanthropy.” If truth be told, I can see how this could happen. You see, my mother lived with four youngsters all under the age of three – plus a dog. She was so stressed that she never could quite remember the name of child #4 – even though she had been there when he was born. As a result, child #4 grew up believing his name was “Rex.” And whenever Mom would call out “Rex,” both the dog and my brother would come running. I’m not sure if this warped my brother’s psyche, but the dog seemed fine.

Then there’s this. I readily admit to loving milk. Especially because without it we’d have no ice cream. This does not mean, however, that I’ve daily yearned to be a cow. If truth be told, I’ve always had great sympathy for cows having to lug around that cumbersome, swaying, bulging udder bag wherever they go. And if that’s not enough, they can never go on any vacations because they must always show up … twice every single day … to empty it! Poor, poor Bessie.

But now, back to your wish that you could be a cow. Your word is “boanthropy.” This is easy to remember because it’s got that “bo” built in. You know, bovine. If you do wish to be a cow, though, let me know as I can recommend some really nice farms with great looking pastures. Just tell the farmer that Peggy sent you.

Moving on now to deer. Yes, there is also a name for our dear deers. A person would think that the world is full up with deer and why would anyone want to be another one, but there are a few of you who do. It does beg the question, though, of why anyone would want to sleep out in a frigid Minnesota snowbank with only a stubby tail and not even one long hair to wrap around their legs? And what about the unfriendly embarrassment of having that undivided paralyzing stare whenever a car appears before them. An occasional sociable blink would not be asking too much, would it?

Nonetheless, deer lovers have the condition known as cervanthropy. I looked up the word to see if “cervan” would give us a hint, but the closest I could find was “cervelat” which is a smoked sausage made from beef and pork. I was greatly relieved, I must admit, to see that the sausage did not contain deer. Although that’s not a bad idea, if ‘ya know what I mean?

The next one will probably not surprise you as many of you have had a love affair with a horse. I don’t know if you ever wanted to actually transform yourself into one, but if so you have “hippanthropy”. I’m guessing that Seabiscuit could be responsible for much of this as he received so much fame and glory. (On the other side of the coin are the folks who want to be the dejected old gray mare who received no acclaim in her lifetime other than being a dejected old gray mare.) Your guess at this is as good as mine, but quite honestly, desiring to be a horse leaves me feeling wonky. And yet there was that … that … lusciously jet black National Velvet ….

If you are still wanting to change into an animal, but have not specifically decided upon which one, you can easily join the “zoanthropy” group. Zero in on the “zo”. Doesn’t it bring to mind “zoo”? In other words, this category covers all the remaining animals on earth. May I suggest koalas who are easily recognized for their cuteness (although if you check out their craggy toe nails, you may change your mind). I suggest sticking with pandas.

Furthermore, I always thought the rhinoceros was pretty cool although I would not want him washing my fine china. To his credit, though, he would certainly thwart our grouchy neighbor dog. And what if you choose to be a giraffe? You could wear every single one of your necklaces … all at the same time! Imagine the bling!

In conclusion, isn’t it sort of a wonder to think that all these animal loving people could be your friends? Your husband? The milkman? Of course all of this causes me to ponder. Do any animals want to be us? To be me? I guess in my case that would be peganthropy.

Hmmm, I wonder how a hippopotamus would look in my tights?

Some thoughts on a regular old morning.