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Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

Max owned a little house in Portland. He gave it to his son.

That was a nice thing for him to do.

Yes, he’s an Oregon donor.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Deep thoughts occur as I drive past his drive. I enjoy cilantro. I don’t want to eat it by the bale, but it’s tasty. The herb is a member of the same family as carrots, celery and parsley. It’s as divisive as lutefisk. People either love it or hate it.

The packed gymnasium had been told to put a sock in its collective mouth as the homecoming queen was being crowned. We all sent hopes telepathically as last year’s royalty moved the crown from one head to another. It became so quiet, I could hear a cellphone drop. And a bunch of them did.

Once upon a time, I was the proud owner of a Chihuahua. If someone asked me what kind of dog he was, I told them he was an Alabama Airhead. The dog thought he was half-pit bull and half-Rottweiler. Whenever someone asked me what I did for a living, I told them I was my dog’s best friend.

He’s on the roof

She said, “He’s over 80 years old and he’s still up on the roof of the house, patching things.”

The subject of her complaint winced a little.

I told her that my brother’s neighbor had called me one day to inform me that my brother was up on the roof of his house and added that he was too old to be up there. I thanked her for calling, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk him down.

The over 80-year-old man who liked to be up on the roof perked up. “How old is your brother?” he asked.

I replied, “Sadly, he died.”

The man said he was sorry and asked what the cause of death had been.

“He fell off the roof,” I said.

The latter answer was a fib given on behalf of the woman who wanted the man to keep both feet on the ground.

I’ve learned

Eye drops are blinker fluid.

President Millard Fillmore is credited with installing the first flush toilet in the White House in 1853. Roughly 19% of people have dropped their smartphones into toilets. Believe it or not, Fillmore never did that, not even once.

I’m trying not to say “Gee, whiz” each time I walk by a container of Cheez Whiz in a store.

A skunk lets a smell be its umbrella.

I bought a radio at a thrift store. It had no volume control knob, but I couldn’t turn it down.

Bad jokes department

Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

To whoever stole my limbo stick: How low can you go?

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway.

Nature notes

Monarchs can travel between 50-100 miles a day. The farthest-ranging monarch butterfly recorded traveled 265 miles in one day.

“Do bees sting hummingbirds?” Bees could sting hummingbirds, but it would be a rare occurrence, as both creatures are too focused on gathering nectar to start a fight. Hummingbirds avoid bees by being agile and using quick flight movements, tail flicking or aggressive displays. Hummingbird feeders attract both and bees feed alongside the hummingbirds, but will chase them if they feel threatened. When many bees are at a feeder, the hummingbirds opt to leave and find other nectar sources. Red attracts hummingbirds, while yellow attracts wasps and bees. Avoid feeders with yellow insect guards or flower accents to make your feeder will be less attractive to insects.

“Why are there tiny holes in acorns?” It’s because acorns are tiny. If the holes were big, there’d be no acorns. Acorn weevils chew a small hole in the acorn while it’s attached to the tree, lay an egg in the hole and plug it to camouflage their activity. After the eggs hatch, the larvae feed on the inside of the acorn, which can make the acorn non-viable. When the acorn falls to the ground, the weevil larvae chew their way out, creating a perfectly round hole, and burrow into the soil to spend the winter underground. The reason you find many holey acorns under trees is because the squirrels leave them behind.

Meeting adjourned

“I expect to pass through life but once. If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, as I shall not pass this way again.”—William Penn.