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Echoes from the

Loafers’ Club Meeting

I know what I’m getting for Christmas.

How could you know that?

It’s a gift.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. The first three days of any season rule the weather of that season.

Will we have a white Christmas? The DNR defines a white Christmas as having 1 inch of snow on the ground on Christmas morning. Based on DNR data, Albert Lea gets a white Christmas 69% of the time, Austin 67%, Bemidji 92%, Brainerd 97%, Detroit Lakes 90%, Duluth 97%, Grand Rapids 97%, Hibbing 97%, Mankato 68%, Marshall 68%, Owatonna 71%, Rochester 78%, St. Cloud 74%, Twin Cities 71%, Waseca 81%, Willmar 70%, Winona 78% and Worthington 76%. If you want a 100% chance of a white Christmas, spend that day in Babbitt, Cloquet, Cook, Park Rapids, Roseau, Tower or Virginia. Do you know who really wants a white Christmas? Voles. Voles retreat to the subnivean zone, the area between the surface of the ground and the top of the snowpack, where they find protection from cold temperatures, bitter winds and predators.

Mashed potatoes

I’d spoken with several families who told me that Mrs. Gerry’s Mashed Potatoes had become a Thanksgiving tradition. They’re delicious. Things change, but not all things. If you drove anywhere on Thanksgiving, you likely noticed lots of men standing outside on a driveway. What were they doing?

They were looking at the new lug nuts on somebody’s car, smoking (even though the cold weather made it difficult for them to gauge when they were done exhaling), spitting, criticizing Aunt Betty’s messed up recipe for candied carrots with marshmallows, and discussing other matters of national security.

Horehound candy and moon pies

I hadn’t had breakfast and it was lunchtime. I decided to have breakfast for lunch. I knew there was a place not far away where that could happen, but I had to walk through a garage sale first. There were rocking chairs, pancake syrup, John Deere hats (even though tractors refuse to wear them), record players, candles, Werther’s candies, peanut brittle, pecan logs, Moxie soda, horehound candy, Moon Pies, a trapper hat like Cousin Eddie wore in “Christmas Vacation,” and various CDs (Dolly Parton, Reba McEntire, Carrie Underwood, Randy Travis, Lynyrd Skinner, George Strait, Elvis Presley and Creedence Clearwater Revival). The air smelled so much like candy, I could chew it. The only thing missing was a musty-smelling box of ancient National Geographic magazines. Had I angered a wizard and was destined to be a garage saler for the rest of my days? No, I’d taken a walk through the maze to reach the Cracker Barrel restaurant, where the food was as good as grits.

I’ve learned

Local singers are better at singing our national anthem than are famous entertainers.

I don’t like bug zappers. They are fly-by-night operations.

Reading opens many doors, especially those marked “push” or “pull.”

Extinguished candles smell like birthdays.

Nature notes

Raccoons spend most of the winter hunkered down in dens, emerging occasionally to forage for food and drink water. They aren’t true hibernators, entering instead a prolonged state of inactivity called torpor in which they can sleep for weeks at a time, relying on accumulated fat stores.

Why do vultures circle dying animals? Ah, the dreaded circle of death, seen often in cowboy movies and jungle films. Turkey vultures don’t circle dying animals, waiting for them to go onto the menu. They ride thermals to travel and to find food. They investigate potential prey.

I spoke at a thing in Florida. I was on a beach because beaches were hard to avoid. It was a shore thing. I lacked a laser pointer, so I used my hot dog as a pointer, as any sane man would do when pointing out a bird. A gull took that as an invitation to have a bite. It snatched the food from my hand but struggled to carry it away, dropping the tasty morsel, mustard and all, which was greedily consumed by its bickering followers, who numbered more than those of Elon Musk. A kerfuffle or maybe a hullabaloo ensued.

The gulls laughed because they were laughing gulls. I didn’t ask, but I doubt the hot dog vendor offered refunds on pilfered frankfurters and who buys insurance on a purchased hot dog?

Bad jokes department

Husband says to his wife: “Our son is so bright, he must have gotten his intelligence from me.”

The wife replies: “Probably, I still have mine.”

Meeting adjourned

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.”—Steve Maraboli.