You might want to sit down for this.

Someone remarked to me about an earlier column, wanting to know more about toilets.

She was curious about the different ways they flushed.

Sort of.

"You just got back from Europe. You really flush a toilet by pulling a handle?"

Yep. Some have handles with chains, others just the old-fashioned levers on the corner.

But Europe apparently has nothing on Asia.

It seems there's a toilet war of sorts going on in Japan. Specifically, between three different toilet makers.

Toilets are apparently a big deal over there. And I wouldn't have believed it until reading an article one morning in the Paris-based International Herald Tribune.

There's many different models of the commode. One company spokesman said that in a Japanese house, "the only place you can be alone and sit quietly is likely to be the toilet."

I may beg to differ on that. Has this guy ever had wife and three kids are banging on the door? You can't even read the paper in peace without getting interrupted.

The Japan toilet-makers are trying to sell their commodes to those in different countries and are adding different gizmos to spice them up.

Examples include:

n A toilet that glows in the dark and pops up its lid when you enter the room, thanks to an infrared sensor to detect your arrival. When the toilet's being used, you get your choice of six soundtracks, like chirping birds, rushing water, tinkling wind chimes, etc.

Don't they mean "breaking" wind chimes?

n One that is equipped with electrodes that sends a mild electric charge to the person's rump. It's supposed to yield a digital measurement of body-fat ratio.

Like we need a computer to tell us how fat we really are.

n Toilets that feature jet sprays that wash and massage one's undercarriage, which, the article states, is "an enormously popular feature in Japan."

But don't be a stranger if you're curious. Some of these models apparently "confuse foreign visitors with disastrous results."

Then there's my favorite: the talking toilet. They have microchips and just don't dish out music.

The article states these models are capable of "greeting each user with a personalized message, perhaps a recorded word of encouragement from Mom or a kindergarten teacher."

I think that's a little out of line. I really could do without a speech from my mother or Mrs. Koopmans.

Still, it makes you wonder what the ol' computer would say while on the throne.

"C'mon … you can do it. You're special and don't let anyone else tell you different.

"Plus, you had a double helping of baked beans!"

Dan Fields can be reached at 434-2230 or by mailto:e-mail at dan.fields@austindailyherald.com