A recent report of a man who took off his clothes in broad daylight near the Hormel Historic Home is no laughing matter.

Thursday, April 12, 2001

A recent report of a man who took off his clothes in broad daylight near the Hormel Historic Home is no laughing matter.

That he kept his underwear on is only small consolation.

We cannot have men running around the city of Austin only in their underwear. (Attention men running around the city of Austin only in underwear: You know who you are. It’s time to stop.)

Apparently this latest incident had something to do with the man’s aversion to concrete, according to an Austin Police Department report.

Where have we heard that before?

The "I-hear-voices-coming-from-concrete" is a commonly used excuse for doing stupid things.

God only knows how many times I’ve used it at work only to be told "Sober up, Bonorden, and get back to work or you’re fired" by the extraordinarily kind and understanding bosses I have.

Everyone has an excuse for everything. "The dog ate my homework" or "I didn’t forget our anniversary, honey. I was just waiting to see if you remembered it" or "I was not smiling at that pretty woman. It was gas that caused my face to contort into a grin."

Some people blame voices coming from concrete for making them say or do stupid things.

As I see it, whether it’s concrete or not, excuses are necessary to get through tough situations when you forget the truth.

It happens all the time.

It’s not so much outright lying. It’s reconstructing facts to suit the occasion.

It’s telling listeners what you think they want to hear.

It’s your very own version of the truth.

When bizarre statements are uttered and listeners wonder "What are you talking about?" it makes a lot more sense if the old voices-from- concrete-made-me-do-it excuse is used.

For instance, here are some possible instances where a few good people could have used such an excuse:

Overheard at a recent Austin City Council meeting to explain why nothing has been done since last year’s devastating floods struck the city: "It’s not the rain that causes the problem. It’s where it lands."

The Mower County Board of Commissioners explaining their decision not to construct a multipurpose building at the fairgrounds: "If we would do that and spend some of the county’s reserves, people wouldn’t have anything to complain about."

State Sen. Grace Schwab, explaining how she upset one-time incumbent Pat Piper in the Senate District 27 race last November: "The people have spoken."

Former state Sen. Pat Piper, explaining how she lost the Senate District 27 race to Republican Grace Schwab last November: "The people have spoken."

Austin Mayor Bonnie Rietz, telling a news conference how Austin has grown since the last census: "Birds do it, bees do it, even squirrels in the trees do it."

Mower County Sheriff Barry J. Simonson, telling reporters why he can’t discuss jail security: "The gag order issued by the judge says I can’t tell you how _______ and _______ were _______ when _______ was _______ to _______, and that’s the truth."

Austin Police Chief Paul M. Philipp, telling reporters how much he appreciates the Austin City Council’s attention (i.e., none) to police officer staffing shortages: "Where is a gag order when I need one?"

Austin Daily Herald reporter Lee Bonorden, explaining why he inadvertently sat on the lap of the attractive young woman: "Have I told you lately about my vision problems?"

Attractive young women, explaining to Austin Daily Herald reporter Lee Bonorden why she inadvertently socked him in the mouth immediately after he sat on her lap: "Have I told you lately about my vision problems? I was aiming for your nose."

Lee Bonorden’s column appears Thursdays. Call him at 434-2232 or e-mail him at lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com.