There is a company in Paramus, N.

Thursday, October 12, 2000

There is a company in Paramus, N. J., that will write letters for me.

Richard B. Hopkins sent – I don’t know if he actually wrote it or not- a letter. He is selling the Lifetime Encyclopedia of Letters, which contains 981 model letters that cover every conceivable letter-writing situations.

You can type or write them up "as is" or quickly modify them with any of the 334 alternative opening and closing statements.

Or, if you prefer to compose your own letter, but need help getting your thoughts organized, the Lifetime Encyclopedia of Letters provides a structural outline you can follow for each different type of letter.

According to Mr. Hopkins, "If you’ve ever struggled to answer a complaint, make an apology, write a cover letter for a resume or declined a request, I’m sure you will agree that the Lifetime Encyclopedia is one of the most useful and valuable resources you’ll ever own."

The book cost $34.95 and it also comes in CD-Rom form for $34.95.

There are 59 letter-writing ideas declining requests, 60 to answer complaints, 42 of congratulations, 73 of sympathy and condolences, 73 requesting information, 38 requesting favors, 56 expressing different ways to say "Thank You" and 52 different apology ideas.

Sorry Mr. Hopkins of Paramus, N. J., I got my own letter-writing ideas. Here are a few:

— Declining Requests Idea No. 12: Dear World Wrestling Federation: Thank you for the invitation to participate in your new Saturday Night Raw Kill or Be Killed Death Match. Apparently, my reputation has an expert cow-milker at Adams and the Mower County Fair has spread as well as my considerable talents at calf-roping and steer-wrestling. Unfortunately, that is the same night I am refereeing a free-wheeling discussion on Tax Increment Financing between Austin Mayor Bonnie Rietz and Mower County Commissioner Len Miller. – LB

— Complaint Answer No. 48: Dear Sir or Madam: Frankly, I can’t tell what sex you are from your letter written in crayon. So I misspelled your name, got your age wrong, printed your home address for everybody to read and accidentally substituted the word "sex" for "sax" in a police report headlined "Retired Taopi priest misses _ _ _" Gimme a break will ya?

— Letter of Congratulation Idea No. 67: Dear Ex-Wife: So nice to hear you got married … again. I’m glad there is somebody out there willing to take a chance on you.

— Letter of Sympathy and Condolences Idea No. 103: Dear Austin Public Schools Administrators: Words cannot express by heartfelt sadness over the pay raises you recently received. While new teachers as well as custodians, secretaries and classroom aides just hope they will have a job for an entire school year, they don’t know the pain and trauma you suffer deciding whether or not to replace the hot tub.

— Letter Requesting Information Idea No. 8: Dear Gov. Ventura: I would like to know how much time you spend doing official running-the-state-of-Minnesota-things and promoting yourself? Thank you. Then, sign it "Mike Ruzek, Jack Koppa, Jerry McCarthy, Knowles Dougherty" … just use any name but your own).

— Letter of Congratulations Idea No. 35: Dear Byron Huseby: Happy Birthday! I know you’ve been around the block a few times, but I just want to say I hope you find your way home soon before your wife calls Police Chief Gordie Briggs.

— Letter of Apology Idea No. 468: Dear Warm, Sweet Human Being: I apologize for the delayed return of the item I borrowed, missing the meeting, my slow payment, postponing dinner, giving you the wrong information, not calling you back, my bad behavior and not responding sooner. The open heart surgery went well and now that the terrorists have released me, I should be able to devote my full attention to your request. In the meantime, could you please repeat your request.