Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“Normally, I don’t like liver and onions.”

“Really?”

“But after eating your liver and onions, I like it just as much as I ever did.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if no one is perfect, why practice?

I’ve learned

1. Not to go to a theme park named after a landfill.

2. Not to say this to a waitress, “In case they ask at the hospital, what is this?”

3. There is nothing so inane that it cannot be made into a reality TV show.

My neighbor

My neighbor Mopey told me that he has an adult beverage before retiring each night. He called it a “good, stiff drink.” I asked if it helped him sleep.

“No,” he replied, “but it gives me a reason for feeling lousy when I wake up.”

The fishing will stink

A friend, let’s call him Hugo First, told me that a skunk got into his shed. Something irritated the skunk enough that it sprayed a boat that Hugo had stored for his son-in-law. For Hugo, there was good news and there was bad news. The bad news was that the skunk sprayed the boat. The good news was that it wasn’t Hugo’s boat.

I’ve been told

Dale Turner of Albert Lea told me that he has had both knees replaced, a hip replaced, and his heart repaired. He claims that the funeral home is suing the hospital for loss of business.

Gus Courrier of Emmons is quite a singer. Gus told me that he is such talented vocalist that it isn’t uncommon for him to get a sitting ovation.

Jim Fisher of Zim said that he never heard the word “trillions” when he was in school. The biggest numbers were “billions.”

John Anderson lives in North Dakota. His hometown has a celebration each winter. John said that he appreciates it because it makes winter seem 10 minutes shorter.

The evolution of a marriage

From this: “Honey, are you going to wear that? It’s fine if you are. I’m just checking.”

To this: “You are not wearing that!”

School days

Back in the days when I received warnings about running in the halls and going steady involved either a boy/girl relationship or chewing the noodles in the lunchroom, I sat in a class. It was one of those days when I felt dumb at one end and dumber at the other. I had my feet in the aisle and I was chewing gum. Both were classroom sins. My teacher looked at me and said, “Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in.”

And it wasn’t a yoga class.

Watch it

People don’t wear wristwatches much anymore. A neighborhood watch program means that there is a watch in the neighborhood and people are taking turns wearing it.

Life is a bumpy road

I spoke at a gathering in Washington, D.C. I had asked the guest services at the hotel to provide me with a 7 a.m. wake-up call.

I was jarred from a deep sleep by a ringing telephone. I answered it with a groggy, “Hello.” A pleasant voice on the other end said, “Good morning, Allen in room 636. It’s 4 a.m.”

I had no response, so I ended the call.

At 4:05 a.m., the phone rang again. I answered it again. It was the same pleasant voice. She asked me to please ignore her first call and that she would call back at the correct time of 7 a.m. I suspect that she did call back at 7, but I can’t be sure. I wasn’t there. I had arisen at 4.

Nature notes

When migrating, ruby-throated hummingbirds generally don’t fly high. They tend to cruise just above treetop level or slightly above waterways. Adult males are the first to migrate. Hummingbirds do not flock. Migration is an individual endeavor for a hummingbird although a bird may travel the same route as others. They migrate to Central America—from Mexico to Panama. Keep your nectar feeders (four parts water to one part sugar) employed until you see no hummingbirds. They will not stay because you’re feeding them. They migrate according to day length. Hummingbirds generally fly during the day and sleep at night. They travel at night when flying over the Gulf of Mexico because there is no place to land, so they must keep flying. The spotted jewelweed (touch-me-not) is an important plant in sustaining a hummingbird’s journey south.

Meeting adjourned

Kindness is within your power.