Echoes’ from the Loafers’ club meeting

“Are those vultures circling overhead?”

“Yup. Maybe one of us should move to let them know we’re still alive.”

“I’ll flip you for it.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: If it weren’t for lawyers and insurance companies, we wouldn’t need lawyers and insurance companies.

Love is never finding

anything

This advice is for husbands —particularly new ones or those soon to become husbands. The secret to a happy marriage is to let your wife think that she is a genius at finding things. Say “I can’t find it” as often as possible. Ignore that white shirt staring back at you from the closet when you whine, “I can’t find my white shirt.” Your wife will sigh and find it immediately. This will give her a triumphant and superior feeling. Love is never finding anything.

From those thrilling days of yesteryear

Little could match the anticipation I felt waiting for recess when I was in grade school. The schoolyard was the largest of all classrooms. As I moved into high school, the lunch hour took a different form. We spent little time playing games and much more time conversing.

Recently, I spoke to an audience of more than 600 people. At the end of my talk, I received a standing ovation. It was heartwarming, and I appreciated the honor more than I could ever say. It brought back memories of my high school lunchroom. It was a ritual for those I ran with to sit around the cafeteria and talk smart. One day, I said something that struck John Mickelson as hilarious. John laughed so hard that milk came out of his nose —and John never drank milk. OK, John drank milk. As cool as that standing ovation was, it could never top making milk come from John’s nose.

Ccounting toes

I count my toes. I take inventory on a regular basis. It gives me the opportunity to recite the rhyme, “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, and this little piggy went ‘Wee wee wee’ all the way home.” My largest toe is called the big toe, great toe, or hallux. The little toe is also the pinky toe. Can anybody tell me a name for the other three toes? They walk through life as nameless digits. I’ve remedied this situation by naming mine Larry, Curly and Moe.

Like a throw only shorter

I was about to go onto an outdoor stage adjacent to a softball field when a well-hit foul ball bounced toward me. I grabbed it on the hop. An outfielder was waving her arms as an indication that she wanted me to throw the ball to her. I chucked the ball in her general direction. I had forgotten the ghost of past shoulder injuries. My lob didn’t clear the fence. The ball struck the chain link instead of the player’s glove. To my credit, it hit the top part of the fence. The lame heave hurt more than my lame arm. I walked to the ball, picked it up, and tossed it underhanded to the outfielder. She caught it with a sympathetic smile. “I used to play,” I said feebly. She threw the ball into the infield.

The music critic

Ron Jacobsen played his rock and roll music loudly when he was a lad. Young ears crave high decibels. The music grew louder until his father yelled, “I’m the only one here who is deaf and that music is too loud for me! Turn it down!”

Pilot bird

Pilot cars are equipped with flashing lights, flags and signs to help trucks transporting oversized equipment reach their destinations safely.

The black-capped chickadee is a pilot bird equipped with feathers, eyes and voice. Small songbirds migrating through an unfamiliar area often associate with chickadee flocks. Chickadees communicate predator alarms and contact calls. The more dee notes in a chickadee-dee-dee call, the higher the threat. Most birds that associate with chickadees respond to chickadee alarm calls, even when their own species doesn’t have a similar call. Aldo Leopold called the chickadee a “bundle of large enthusiasms.”

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I whined to the Holstein that my arm ached from throwing a softball.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “Here’s a guideline for you to use. If you’re not hurting in at least four places, you have no right to complain.”

Meeting adjourned

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.”

Be kind.