Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting
“I’d better hurry home.”
“It’s early yet.”
“I know, but it takes me a long time to hurry.”

Driving by the Bruces
I have two wonderful neighbors–both named Bruce–who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Spring is just around the corner. So is winter.

I’ve learned
1. Not to buy toilet paper named “Ouch!”
2. That a man has two kinds of friends–those who will help him move and those who will help him move a piano.
3. That laughter is the best medicine except when you have broken ribs.

My neighbor
My neighbor Carl Snarl is one of those guys who, when the piano needs moving, is always ready to carry the stool. Carl Snarl doesn’t lock his car when he goes to town. He says it would be an insult to the people who live there.

Valentine’s Day in the rearview mirror
Back in the day, I gave a Valentine’s Day card to everyone in my grade school classroom. That constituted two grades—about 30 kids. One year, I decided to save money and make my own cards. It wasn’t difficult. I copied things I’d read on cards. I recall a handmade card that I gave to one girl. She was nice and I wanted to be nice in return. I had drawn a nice red heart (I loved her with all my art) and had written in my best penmanship, which wasn’t much, “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet. But not as sweat as you.”
She was unhappy with me and reported me to the teacher. I needed spell check.
She was nice enough to give me a card in return, but she didn’t sign it.

Meanwhile, in the town
of Two Bits
The church was filled as the flower girl and her young escort came down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the wedding guests.
When asked afterward why he behaved so oddly, he explained, “I was trying to be a ring bear.”

Those thrilling days
of yesteryear
I reveled in listening to my GE transistor radio. It was white and had a plastic headphone that I stuffed into my ear as I sprawled on my bed. It was AM only. I listened to voices coming from faraway places like Boston, Pittsburgh, Oklahoma City, and Little Rock. The voices battled static to be heard. I didn’t fret about sound quality. I embraced it as I would the crackling words of a sick friend or relative. If luck was with me, I could hear “96 Tears” by ? and the Mysterions.

Why men don’t like to shop
I picked up a couple of watch batteries for my wife. The store clerk was kind enough to install them. She rang up my purchases and a screen showed me the price of each battery. The display used abbreviations. I knew that but was still surprised when the screen showed “Watch Batt” not once but twice. Someone was keeping an eye on me. It made me nervous.

The poetry corner
From the pen of that prolific writer, Anonymous, “I sneezed a sneeze into the air. It fell to the earth I know not where. But hard and froze were the looks of those, in whose vicinity I snoze.”

Overheard because she was yelling into a cell phone
In a crowded café in Chicago, “I have to hang up now. You’re here.”

The short story
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there …

Nature notes
“Do birds have eyelashes?” Great horned owls, ostriches, rheas, and others do. The eyelashes are simplified feathers called bristles.
“I watched the movie The Birds. Were those real birds?” Alfred Hitchcock used stuffed and mechanical birds along with over 600 live birds during the filming of that movie.
“Do rabbits get rabies?” Rabbits do get rabies, but it’s rare.

“How fast can jackrabbits run?” The white-tailed jackrabbit has the ability to leap 10 feet at a time and is able to reach speeds of 40 miles per hour.

Talking to the Holstein
I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I moaned about taxes. I added that I am proud to pay taxes but I could be just as proud for less money.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “You’re lucky to be able to pay taxes. Cows don’t have any money. Farmers have milked us dry.”

Meeting adjourned
Kindness to the living is better than flowers to the deceased.