QUESTION: How can I handle my pre-schooler’s anger?

ANSWER: Children do have strong emotions, and they are just as entitled to have them as anyone else.

When it comes to expressing those emotions, children do what comes naturally; they usually express sadness, frustration or anger either by throwing a fit or by wearing a dour expression. Our goal as parents is to help our children learn safe and acceptable ways to express what’s bothering them. That way, children can vent their emotions, feel understood and move on, a skill that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

Quieter children pout. A helpful response is to observe and interpret: “I can tell you’re really upset. Sometimes when we are unhappy and don’t know what to do about it, we poke out our lip and that’s called pouting. Pouting is a sign on the outside that we are unhappy on the inside.”

The first step in effectively coping with anger is to identify what’s happening. That may be all we can do right then. Problem-solving is only possible when a person, young or old, is ready to think about options.

Aggressive venting is usually harder to deal with. The boundaries need to be about safety and respect. We can be angry and think at the same time. Therefore, hitting, foul language or breaking things should not be tolerated. Still, anger does need to be vented. A frustrated child may try to choke the cat. The cat needs to be rescued immediately.

The child still needs to find relief for those feelings. Fistfuls of marshmallows squeezed really, really hard, especially in the presence of an adult who seems to understand the inside tension, may be a useful alternative. Big black crayons that with-stand the pressure of intense scribbling can be useful in helping your child show you just how angry she is. Again, our role as an adult isn’t to stop the anger, but to help our child express it without damage or disrespect.

Our children need to learn that we can cope with their unhappiness. Nobody is happy all the time. If children know that it’s important to us that they always be happy, they have a powerful tool for getting what they want. If our children are in real emotional distress, they need to be helped to experience those feelings safely without being made to feel ashamed for having them.

 If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org.