QUESTION: I’ve heard you say that anger is a secondary emotion, that some other feeling always comes first and if we are not able to deal with that feeling we look and act angry. Is pain a primary feeling?

ANSWER: People who live with pain and its restrictions know about struggles with anger. Too often, people are not sensitive to the presence of chronic pain in others because they don’t see it. Sometimes people in pain don’t know how to explain their distress to someone else. Several years ago, Mary Rains wrote “Lessons for the Chronically Ill.” Hopefully her insights will help some of us to better understand or to be better understood.

“There’s an art to living with chronic illness. It’s rough going at first, but like anything else in life, you get better at it with time. You have to play it like a game of checkers. Forethought is the key. And sometimes when you think you’re out of the game, if you just push on a little more, you can hang in there.

You can’t whine all the time; you can’t complain about every little ache and pain because you will drive everyone around you crazy. Yet, you must know when to communicate to those around you so that they know what you’re dealing with.

You cannot turn your whole focus onto every body fluctuation, every bizarre symptom, or every time you feel ill, or you’ll drive yourself crazy. But yet, you must listen to body signals and try to ferret out the ones that could actually be fixed, or the ones that may be very serious. This takes much practice, much trial and error. And even then, you just never know. You have to learn to live along side the disease, as you would have to learn to live with an obstinate sibling or a difficult co-worker. You have to understand it and learn about it and, in your own way, make peace with it.

But, you cannot be friends with it. Otherwise, it becomes an abnormal part of your identity that you may not be able to let go of. You cannot let it have power over your life. It is still your enemy and you must maintain a cold war.

You can’t give in and you can’t give up. It’s a little like walking a tightrope everyday of your life — one foot in front of the other. Hold onto that strong rod inside of yourself. Just keep looking ahead. It’s all about balance.”

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about life’s challenges, call the Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204. For free emergency child care, call Crisis Nursery: 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org