Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“I just came from the Eagles Club.”

“Member?”

“Of course, I remember. I just came from there.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: most things are more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

I’ve learned

1. Missouri loves company.

2. You can’t fight progress, but you can unplug it.

3. The stock market goes down on fears that it might go down.

The news from Hartland

Fifty-two card pick-up tournament considered a failure.

Loafer’s Shoe Store has 18-inch tall fitting rooms.

Upchuck and Ralph’s Coffee Emporium offers short, tall, grande, and hat drink sizes.

Son of superstitious parents is 12 years old one day and 14 the next.

Reconditioned peaches on sale at the Museum of Groceries.

Laidlow Cemetery forbids dancing.

School daze

It was before the Farmer Stetson (ball cap or gimme cap) was worn in schools. It was during safer times. True, there was The Cold War and the Vietnam War, but Count Chocula hadn’t yet been introduced. A favorite school custodian always carried a tape measure so that he could see how long he’d been working. I had nightmares of taking final exam in a class I hadn’t enrolled in — a stroll down memory lane on a path not traveled before. I learned that to error is human, to add, combine. Teachers confiscated the notes I passed in class and corrected the grammar. The principal often sat in on our classes so at least one person would be able to answer a teacher’s question. It wasn’t our fault. Teachers were constantly saying, “Don’t get smart with me.” We didn’t.

Cafe chronicles

I was at an eatery in a small town where four out of five people make up 80 percent of the population. It was the caffeine talking at an uneven table as a group of locals took on fluids, sipping hot beverages. They were bound together by caffeine. Morning is a time when most folks can justify caffeine intake. The discussion concluded that others should pay high taxes. The table talk shifted to whether more Minnesotans live in Minnesota than anywhere else or if more Iowans live in Iowa than anywhere else. Everyone put in his two cents’ worth. One put in a dollar’s worth and interjected that glaciers once covered both states, but now do so only during the winter. It was the consensus that both states are growing larger due to the expansion accompanying global warming.

Why I didn’t often help at my brother’s hardware store

“You’re sure this is the part I need?” the customer asked.

“Absolutely,” I said confidently. “If it doesn’t work, come back and I’ll sell you another one.”

Ask Al

“Why do older people make odd sounds when they rise from a sitting position?” The sounds are words of encouragement in a language only a body understands.

“What does ‘gesundheit’ mean?” You missed me.

“Did you milk cows?” Not only cows. I had the only chicken dairy farm in the state for a short time. It was a short-lived because chickens don’t give much milk.

Laughing in church

I attended a friend’s funeral in Albert Lea. Reverend Dwight Netzer told this story about Glenn Ruble. Glenn and his wife, Maureen, were holding a garage sale when Glenn noticed that the price tag on a statue was $5. Glenn protested that the statue was worth much more than that and suggested that the price be raised. Maureen declined, saying that she wanted to get rid of it. Later, a woman pointed at the statue and asked Maureen, “Would you take $50 for that?”

Maureen was surprised, but managed to sputter out a “Yes.”

When the woman brought the statue to the pay table, Maureen noticed that the price tag read “$55.”

Glenn had added another “5” to the price.

A meow and the night visitor

I awakened to a tumult. I staggered from bed, suspecting our two cats were up to something. They had been. The cats had caught a mouse as quietly as two cymbals would have caught one.

Nature notes

I saw a junco in my yard early one morning. The junco looks wintry. It’s called a snowbird because it has a gray topside like the clouds of winter and is as white as snow underneath. My father said that snow arrives six weeks after the snowbird. I hope this snowbird was misguided as I saw it on September 18.

Meeting adjourned

A kind word is a seed that once planted, flowers. Be kind.