Echoes from a Loafers’ Club Meeting

“We’re getting older.”

“I hear that. Where do you see yourself in five years?”

“In mirrors.”

I’ve learned

1. When Superman makes jokes about his girlfriend, it’s the Lois form of humor.

2. The cream rises to the top, but so does the scum.

3. That when the cashier says, “Strip down,” she’s talking about my credit card.

Thoughts of the election

1. I read that the human body has 45 miles of nerves. If that’s true, negative ads have gotten on every inch of them.

2. Elections should be held on Christmas. Then, if we don’t like someone we elected, we could exchange him.

3. A yard sign has never changed my mind as to whom I am voting for.

The news from Hartland

Pumpkin Patch closes. Owners claim to be out of their gourds.

Chimney sales are through the roof at Sherlock Homes.

Fast food restaurant offers escargot sandwiches for those wanting to slow down.

Tomb it may concern: Halloween memories

I liked the school bus. The problem was that it stopped at the ends of too many driveways. It wasn’t the express. I was early on the bus, late off. I looked at my seatmate. He was dressed like Dracula. It was a pain in the neck riding a bus with a vampire. I told him of a nonexistent man named Jeckle who lived near our school. I assured him that we could knock on the door of Jeckle and hide.

Cafe chronicles

“Could I have my hamburger without onions?”

“I’m sorry, but we’re out of onions. Would you like it without pickles instead?”

I was seated at the table of infinite wisdom. Men ate with a lupine voracity. The discussion was on frugality. Loren Ingebretsen of Felton, Minn., told me he’s so cheap that included in his directions to his family following his death is, “Slice the ham thin.”

My contribution to the table topic was the tale of my frugal neighbor.

“Put on your coat,” he said to his wife.

“Are we going out?” she asked.

“I am, but you’re staying home.”

“Then why do I need to wear a coat?” she wondered aloud.

“Because I’m turning off the heat.”

Those thrilling days of yesteryear

Tom Benson operated the barbershop here for many years. Some thought that his dog spent so much time there because it enjoyed watching Tom cut hair. I worried that the canine was waiting for Tom to cut off a customer’s ear.

Customer comments

Jim Mathis of Atlanta told me about the great number of northerners who winter in south Florida. He said that there so many, the farther south you get, the more north it becomes.

Duane Miller of Hartland said that his great nephew calls his great uncle, “Grunkle Duane.”

Dan Carlin is a retired teacher from Faribault. His students were fond of asking Dan if he were related to George Carlin. Dan replied, “He’s my brother, but my wife won’t let him in the house because of his filthy language.”

Barb Finseth of New Richland told me that her father, Ken, offered his farm driveway to youngsters for sledding down. If the weather was not conducive to good sledding (some claim that Minnesota has only two seasons — winter and poor sledding), Ken would run water down the driveway to make it world class sledding.

Did you know?

New Hampshire has been ranked the top beer-drinking state with a per capita consumption of 43 gallons a year according to a report in 24/7 Wall Street.

In 1957, Leave It to Beaver on CBS was the first TV program to show a toilet tank. Network executives were squeamish about displaying a bathroom on television, especially a toilet. The network and the production company reached a compromise — an episode including shots of the tank, but not the toilet itself.

The most popular drink on National Basketball Association flights, according to Delta, is Snapple Kiwi-Strawberry juice drink.

Nature notes

“Is there a spray that will discourage squirrels?” I’ve not used any as a squirrel deterrent, but I’ve heard from many readers regarding such things. I’ve been told that squirrels don’t like the smell of dog repellent spray. They also purportedly dislike the smell of vinegar. Many people have used Liquid Fence to deter squirrels from digging up bulbs or potted plants and from making a dog’s breakfast of the landscaping. Liquid Fence is an all-natural repellent with ingredients that include garlic. I must qualify my answer, as I’ve never used these methods to keep squirrels at bay. I’ve tried mothballs and found them of no help.

Meeting adjourned

Make kindness your default position.