Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“An alligator bit off my nephew’s finger.”

“Which one?”

“How should I know? All alligators look alike to me.”

 

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

I’ve learned

1. The Big Ten Conference has 14 teams. It’s no wonder some of their athletes have problems with math.

2. Hearsay is something that a child hears and repeats.

3. The last two Angel players to receive Major League Baseball’s Rookie of the Year award are Mike Trout and Tim Salmon. There’s something fishy about that.

 

The news from Hartland

Tank Heaven for Little Grills is your propane filling station.

Fish and Cheeps Pet Shop admits installing pet doors in aquariums was a mistake.

Bigfoot spotted stomping grapes.

 

No one is average

I serve on a board with a man who winters in Auburn, Alabama and summers in Haines, Alaska. That means, on average, he lives in Weyburn, Saskatchewan.

 

Thanksgiving rewind

Thanksgiving reinforces long-held values such as overeating and obsessing over football. I had a lovely Thanksgiving. The turkey wasn’t the only thing stuffed. My piehole was stuffed, too. Thanksgiving is when we’re thankful for things we should be thankful for all year. I’m thankful I missed those buy or die sales on Black Friday. Christmas sales trample thankfulness. Long before Thanksgiving, I heard Christmas songs playing in stores and airports. Sadly, there is a dearth of Thanksgiving tunes. I think of “Simple Gifts” as my Thanksgiving song. “’Tis the gift to be simple, ‘tis the gift to be free. ‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be. And when we find ourselves in the place just right, ‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.”

I asked a friend what his favorite Thanksgiving song was. He said it was by Adam Sandler and goes like this, “Turkey for me. Turkey for you. Let’s eat the turkey in my big brown shoe. Love to eat the turkey at the table. I once saw a movie with Betty Grable. Eat that turkey all night long. Fifty million Elvis fans can’t be wrong. Turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.”

Mike Twohy did a cartoon for The New Yorker of a man telling his family, “The takeaway tonight is ‘Thanks.’”

Adam Sandler sang only one song about Thanksgiving. That’s something to thank about.

 

Winter woes

Cheryl McRoberts is Director of Operations for the American Bald Eagle Foundation located in Haines, Alaska. Last winter, 30 feet of snow fell at the Foundation’s headquarters — 11 feet in November. One morning, Cheryl came to work to find the doors completely covered by snow. She couldn’t get into her office. Her husband Bill said, “Well, let’s get busy. Where are the shovels?”

The shovels were safe and sound inside the building.

 

Gunned down by a grapefruit

I was in Weslaco, Texas. It didn’t take long to drive there. There is an unwritten law in Texas that says you must pass the car ahead of you. I was hunting the perfect grapefruit — sweet and juicy. I found one. I attacked it with a spoon. The grapefruit squirted me in the eye. The hunter had become the hunted.

 

Astronaut

I met Edgar Mitchell recently. He was an astronaut and the sixth man to walk on the moon. My parents thought I’d become an astronaut because my teachers told them that I was just taking up space in class. A day lasts approximately 708 hours on the moon. I should move my office there. I might be able to catch up on my work. Edgar Mitchell walked on the moon. That saves him a lot of money. Once you’ve done that, there’s no point in going on an amusement park ride.

 

Mink earlaps

Terry Jacobson of Haines, Alaska made a coonskin cap. The raccoon wasn’t large enough to allow for earlaps. A mink helped itself to some of Terry’s Rhode Island Red hens. Terry shot the mink in the chickens’ memory. Now Terry has a coonskin cap with mink earlaps.

 

Nature notes

The downy woodpecker is found in all states but Hawaii.

It’s believed that apples originated in Asia and were first cultivated in the Tien Shan Mountains of eastern Kazakhstan. The Seed Savers Exchange near Decorah, Iowa grows about 700 varieties of apple trees.

 

Meeting adjourned

Be kind and thank the people who have made a difference in your life.