Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

My job is just like Christmas.

How is that?

I do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I leave the judging to Santa Claus.

Cafe chronicles

They gathered at the Curmudge Inn. They were long john-wearing men, all suffering from ancient snow-shoveling injuries. Some had been around longer than their teeth. They’d figured that by the time they’d reached this stage of their lives that they’d have slim bodies and fat bank accounts. The opposite happened. Most of them hadn’t done any Christmas shopping yet. To them, shopping is like chewing tinfoil. Most of them were better at whining about shopping than they were at shopping. They have seen all the shopping that others have done and they are exhausted by it.

Family history

This is the time of the year when I didn’t close the door of the house properly. I was guilty of that all year, but it was more wicked in frigid temperatures. My mother said, “Close the door. It’s cold outside.” I’d reply, “If I close the door, will it be warmer outside?”

I told my wife that JWP plays Granada-Huntley-East Chain/Martin Luther/Truman in high school basketball. My wife replied, “Well, they should be able to beat one of them.”

My mother-in-law, Lorraine Nelson of New Richland, played an angel in a Christmas play. A perfect example of typecasting. I wanted to hold a sign reading, “My mother-in-law is an angel,” but my wife put the kibosh on that.

When the dent fairy comes

Cheryl McRoberts of Haines, Alaska, was in the local bank when someone told her that a man had backed his truck into her brand new Subaru — twice. Cheryl ran out of the bank and waved down the other driver. She told him that he’d hit her car.

“So that’s what that was,” he said.

She had her bumper replaced. She encounters the other driver regularly. Whenever she does, he asks where her Subaru is parked.

Customer comments

Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario, sent, “Do you know the correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies? Compost.” Ric also sent a photo of a livestock trailer carrying this sign, “Caution: Floor covered with political promises.”

Jerry Morstad of Albert Lea told me that as his father, Orvin, left the nursing home after a short stay and walked to the car, Jerry asked him if he knew what he’d just done. Orvin had no answer. Jerry said, “You’re 91-years-old and you’ve just walked out of a nursing home.”

Mac Ehrhardt of Albert Lea wondered aloud, “Which is worse-hiring a good employee and having him leave or hiring a bad employee and having him never leave?”

Mark Light of Albert Lea said that he and his brother, Randy Light of New Richland, were talking about someone who had a sunny disposition. Randy described the person as being “golden retriever happy.” That’s someone who is always happy, but isn’t always sure why.

Denny Galagan of Albert Lea drives a 1993 Dodge Dakota. That’s because when he was a boy, he was advised, “If you can’t get 20 years out of a horse, there is no use owning one.”

A customer told me that she used to do a lot of air travel. When she heard someone say, “Uffda,” she knew that she was home.

While my wife and I were ringing the bells for the Salvation Army, LeRoyce Ingham of Hayward had this to say as he slipped a bill into the kettle, “If you had a bigger hole in the kettle, you’d get bigger bills.”

Talking with the Holstein

The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her what Christmas was like for a cow.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, “Being a cow is a great way to get out of Christmas shopping.”