Echoes from the Hartland Loafers’ Club Meeting:

I’ve always wanted to be a jockey.

You’re too big to be a jockey.

I realize that I’d have to lose a few pounds to become a jockey.

You’d have to lose a few pounds to become a horse.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: If I wait until the last minute, it will only take a minute to do.

Speaking over there

I spoke at a retirement village where the joy of not missing out had been replaced by the joy of missing out. Before I took the stage, I visited with a group of guys who had grown up in homes where the hottest spice available was ketchup. A bald fellow there threatened to switch barbers. He claimed his was not only cutting too much off, he was pulling it up by the roots. Another said that his sleep apnea turned out to be nothing more than his wife’s elbow in his ribs while he was snoring. A chap claimed that he hadn’t lost a step. It just took him longer to find it.

Most agreed that once they had tried retirement, they found they were perfect for the job.

The years fly by, but the moments last forever

I grew up in an Allis-Chalmers family. I was forbidden to date a girl from a family who owned even a single John Deere.

There wasn’t a farm implement that I couldn’t break. Fortunately, there wasn’t a farm implement my brother Donald couldn’t fix.

I was working on the WD45 tractor. I needed to replace a part. It was a simple task, but I struggled to get the new part into place. I thought I knew what I was doing. I was seldom right, yet I was never in doubt. I compounded the problem by being too stubborn to ask for help. I toiled as if I were attempting to empty the ocean with a spoon. I worked so hard that beads of sweat took turns running down my nose and jumping to the ground. I finally got the part in. I could get any part to fit if I used a hammer that was big enough. The part didn’t do its job. I realized that I’d put the part in backwards.

Donald took a look at my predicament and said, “I don’t believe I’d have done it that way.”

I strive to be that kind.

Customer comments

Bob Hess of Luther, Michigan wrote, “One of the first times I had a senior moment, I got in the truck and remembered I had forgotten something. Ran back to the house, got in there and couldn’t recall what I went back for. Sheepishly went back and asked my wife, ‘Do you remember what I remembered that I forgot?’”

Mary Guggisberg of Freeborn said that her husband Bill underwent a number of medical tests. She added that the good news is that the doctors found that Bill does have a heart.

Ron Brey of New Richland said that the days may go by slowly, but the years go by quickly.

Eleanor Kottke of Mankato told me that a February meeting would be held sometime in February. I think it’s good to allow some wiggle room.

Donna Rae Scheffert of Northfield didn’t join her husband when he bungee jumped. She stood nearby, holding his life insurance policies.

Neal Batt of Hartland knows of a family that has only one rule at the dinner table. Every eater must keep one foot on the floor at all times.

I asked Tom Benson of Hartland how his long-suffering wife Pat puts up with him. Tom replied, “I give her a medal every now and then.”

Judy Hendrickson of Hartland retired after many years of fine and faithful service to the patrons of her cafe. It’d be impossible to determine the number of meals she’d prepared. Retirement hasn’t been easy for Judy. She has found it hard to cook for just two people.

Talking with the Holstein

The Holstein is a retired dairy cow, so she has time to talk. I whined to the Holstein about all the work I had to do.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully before saying, “It would be easier to do if you replaced ‘I have to’ with ‘I get to.’”

Nature notes

What is the difference between a beak and a bill? Nothing. The words are synonymous.

Meeting adjourned

“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” — Lao Tzu