Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

My brother-in-law is as dumb as a ghost.

Don’t you mean to say that he’s as dumb as a post?

Oh, you know him?

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Get your hopes up. What better use is there for them? I’d hoped for a nap. My wife wanted to go to a movie. We reached a compromise. I slept through the movie. I knew it was a “chick flick” because she was crying when I woke up.

The cafe chronicles

Winter is a good conversation piece.

There are two sides to every approaching blizzard.

“They keep talking about a foot of snow, but it doesn’t look like it to me,” said a Loafer in a place where you could get breakfast at anytime as long as you have a beef commercial for breakfast.

Those seated at the table of infinite knowledge were good guys. Some were boastful and some overstated their imperfections. Others were quiet listeners. Thanks to these differences, the talk averaged out to be somewhere near the truth.

“I eat here and a week later, I’m hungry again,” said another Loafer who’d claimed he’d eaten a bag of mixed jelly beans without once looking to see what color jelly bean he was eating. He might have thought he was living on the edge, but we knew he was lying.

From the mailbag

Roger Batt of Algona sent this, which I’ve edited slightly, On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, “Today, I am going to create a land called Minnesota. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of 10,000 beautiful lakes, each full of fish. It shall have tall majestic pines, peacefully flowing rivers, a landscape full of buffalo, tall grass, and eagles, beautiful blue skies, forests full of bear, elk and moose, and the richest of farmland. I shall make the land so rich in resources, the inhabitants will prosper and they shall be the friendliest of people, practicing being Minnesota Nice every day.”

“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t You think You are being too generous to these Minnesotans?”

“Not really,” replied God, “Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.”

Those thrilling days of yesteryear

A skunk got into one of the holes of our outhouse when I was a boy. I was instructed to place a plank into the hole so that the skunk could use it to climb out. I did as told. Checking later, I found that a second skunk had used the plank to climb down into the hole.

The skunks left eventually. I was given a reward for my fine skunk-removal work, one of those all-day suckers. A neighbor boy stopped by. My mother insisted that I split the candy evenly with him. That didn’t seem fair, but if I’d complained, my mother would have said that life wasn’t fair. How do you divide a sucker in half? Alternate licks seemed unsanitary even in a time when few things did. I came up with the idea to hit the sucker with a hammer. I hit it and the sucker shattered into countless pieces. That was the day I learned that you could never give a sucker an even break.

As the sweet sucker shrapnel, having ricocheted off every wall in the house, settled into place, I used a word befitting the occurrence. It’s not even considered a swear word today, but I didn’t say it today. My aunt, who was visiting, made a face. I hadn’t seen her there or I would have watched my French. “Did you hear what I said?” I asked.

“I’m afraid I did,” my aunt replied.

“Well, I hope you know that you shouldn’t believe everything you hear.”

Nature notes

Blue jays carry food in their throat and upper esophagus — in an area called a “gular pouch.” A blue jay can carry two or three acorns in that pouch, another one in its mouth, and one more in the tip of its bill. In this way, it can carry five acorns at once to store for eating later. Jays fitted with radio transmitters were found to cache 3,000-5,000 acorns each in the fall. They have a fondness for acorns and a great skill in selecting healthy ones.

Meeting adjourned

A Chinese proverb says, “Water and words — easy to pour, impossible to recover.” Make your words kind ones.