Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

What are you doing today?

Nothing.

You did that yesterday.

I know, but I wasn’t finished.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Old age always comes at a bad time. If you think you will remember it, you must write it down. Today, 140 characters is a tweet. When I was a boy, it was my family reunion.

The cafe chronicles

I visited the table of infinite knowledge. The men there were participating in social media. It was the social media that has been around forever. Gossip.

“It needs more ketchup” was the daily special.

“What’s the difference between the $7.99 special and the $8.99 special?” asked one who is devoted to the pleasures of the table.

“The $8.99 comes with antacid tablets,” replied the waitress.

I didn’t order the special because it came with beets and I remembered the day that we had beets as part of our tasty and nutritious school lunch. Then I had beets at home that night. Life had beet me down.

I ordered a number four. I was going to get the number three, but I figured a four would be at least one better.

Spring has sprung, maybe

I worked in Dallas the first week of April. Uffda, it was hot! April 5 and 87 degrees don’t belong together. A Texan told me that Dallas had no winter this year. I told him that ours had been fairly well-behaved. I described it for him. He shuddered and asked how we could tell when winter was over. That’s a good question. When is spring here? The robin is hardly a harbinger of spring. We see them during the winter. Maybe killdeer are a bit better at that job. Is it when the UPS drivers start wearing shorts? Do we declare it spring once all the basketball tournaments are over? Baseball, dry sidewalks, eating outdoors? Is it the lawn mower that rises from the melting snow? I think spring comes when we no longer have to kick the fenderbergs from our vehicles. Fenderbergs are that cruddy, dirty snow that builds up in the wheel wells of cars. No matter what you call those clumps — fendercicles, chunkers, tire turds, car boogers — once they are gone, we can’t kick them or kick about winter.

A traveling man

I check the weather back home when I travel. I prefer checking the weather in a newspaper. I know I can get it on my cellphone, but I like newspapers. I check the temperatures in the paper. Of course, Hartland, Minnesota isn’t included in the periodical’s list of cities, so I read the temperatures for Hartford, Connecticut. It’s the closest I could find to Hartland, at least in spelling. We get used to what we get for weather. I sat at a Loafers’ Club Meeting at a cafe in Fairbanks, Alaska. Some of the sourdoughs complained that it hardly ever reached 50 below zero there anymore.

I saw a woman in Phoenix wearing a T-shirt reading “Royal Pain.” I had no reason to doubt her.

I spotted a child’s seat with a tot in it attached to a wheeled suitcase moving through a busy airport.

I encountered a tractor — trailer rig with an arrow pointing to the left saying “Passing side” and an arrow pointing to the right saying “Suicide.” The problem was that the vehicle was driving in the left lane of the freeway.

My departure gate at the airport had been changed. The announcement should have included the warning, “And no whining.” As I prepared to hike to the new gate, part of the airport’s physical fitness program (Motto: Making travelers even more tired), a young woman groaned, “Why does life have to be so hard?”

A woman in the Outer Banks of North Carolina and I shared our appreciation for Buckeyes, lovely chickens with pea combs. Buckeyes are cold tolerant, friendly, make varied sounds and have distinct personalities. They are noted for being good mousers.

I parked in the ramp of the hotel where I was staying. I felt validated.

Joyce Kilmer wrote, “The only reason a road is good, as every wanderer knows, is just because of the homes, the homes, the homes to which one goes.”

Nature notes

“How far from water will wood ducks nest?” Wood ducks have been known to use tree cavities and nest boxes a mile from water.

Meeting adjourned

Life is too short to hate. Life is too long to hate. Be kind.