Echoes from the Loafers’ Club

The TV weatherman said it’s going to be a beautiful day.

I can’t wait.

To get outside and enjoy it?

No, to be disappointed.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Never put a pet door in your aquarium. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve wished I had a dollar. I’ve never heard a pin drop when someone has said that it’s so quiet, I could hear a pin drop.

The cafe chronicles

“Blow the flies off a plate and sit down,” I heard as I stepped into the Eat Around It Cafe.

They were familiar faces. Everyone knew everyone. There was no need for complaining. Everyone knew what the others had to complain about. Someone said that it’s hard to be nice to a skunk. Something about trying to release one from a live trap. There wasn’t much talk of politics. There was no point. There was nothing to be gained by trying to change the mind of anyone. A mind set in stone wasn’t going to change. The closest thing to a political discussion was the question that has been asked for generations, “What is this world coming to?”

Health insurance was a table topic. Everyone was paying too much for health insurance or their policies were being canceled. It was concluded that one day, everyone would have their 15 minutes of health coverage.

The waitress sighed loudly. She couldn’t wait until someone ordered something and took a big bite of food so she could ask him if everything was OK while he was in mid-chew.

Old Man McGinty

Old Man McGinty, the youngest Old Man McGinty ever, seemed happy that morning. He explained it by saying that when he wakes up, he knows it’s going to be the best he’ll feel all day.

I told Old Man McGinty that my wife and I stopped at the Tendermaid in Austin for a loose meat sandwich each. A loose meat sandwich is a bun filled with seasoned and crumbled ground beef. It’s delicious. It has many names–Maid-Rite, tavern, canteen, crumbie, Charlie Boy and Tastee. It’s a sloppy joe without the slop. The Tendermaid is where meat has been on the loose since 1938. Signage on a wall told of the champion eater, a young woman who had consumed 30 sandwiches, 80 ounces of water, a bag of chips and a malt in 26 minutes.

I enjoyed a single loose meat sandwich. It was excellent. One was an ample sufficiency. I was full. If I’d tried to eat many, I’d have been like Lucille Ball who portrayed a klutzy housewife on TV’s “I Love Lucy.”

In particular, the Lucy in the episode where she and her best friend Ethel got jobs at a chocolate factory, wrapping candies on an assembly line. The supervisor yelled, “Let it roll!” and a parade of chocolates began. Lucy and Ethel discovered that they were unable to keep up with the speeding conveyor belt. They stuffed chocolates into their mouths, hats and blouses in fear of being fired. I waited for the next episode wherein Lucy and Ethel got a job at the laxative factory, but it must have died on the cutting room floor.

“I think we’re fighting a losing game,” said Lucy.

That’s what I’d have been doing if I’d entered the eating contest, even if it were a loose meat sandwich-eating contest.

Old Man McGinty said that he’d entered an eating contest once. It was lifelong and is still going on.

And in local news

Flour Child’s bakery is sold out of man buns.

In a surprising announcement, the DOT stated that those who had adopted highways will be responsible for their upkeep.

Moose & Squirrel’s Butcher Shop refuses to raise prices, preferring to press down on the scale instead.

Nature notes

“Is it voles or moles that chew the bark of my saplings?” That sounds like the work of voles. Voles (“V” for vegetarian) eat plant roots and parts. Moles (“M” for meat) eat grubs and earthworms.

“How do flocking birds avoid midair collisions while flying?” Research at the University of Queensland suggests that there are two simple strategies for collision avoidance. Each bird typically veers to its right and changes altitude relative to the other bird according to a preset preference. Now if they could just teach those of us who drive cars.

Meeting adjourned

“Love and kindness go hand in hand.” — Marian Keyes