Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

If you ever need any help, just say the word.

Well, I could use a little money.

Try a different word.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Imagine how much your income today would have bought in the year you were born. Then have a good cry. If you want to relive those thrilling days of yesteryear, write a letter in cursive on stationery and mail it to someone. My young grandson lost a baby tooth. It put a gap in his smile, but that doesn’t bother him. Now he can spit a curve.

You know Juneau?

I landed in Juneau, Alaska, the largest state capital in the U.S. in terms of land area at more than twice the size of Rhode Island. Juneau, population 32,000, is accessible only by plane or boat. I looked at the road map of Alaska. It looked like other maps, except that there were few roads. A peripatetic friend summed it up this way, “I want to drive on every paved road in Alaska. Twice.”

I was at the Juneau Ferry Terminal. In order to get a boarding pass onto a ferry on the Alaska Marine Highway System, it’s necessary to provide a photo ID The fellow ahead of me asked a ferry employee, “Will a prison ID work?”

“Only if it’s current,” replied the employee.

Hungry Hoosiers

I talked with Marsha Taylor of Goshen, Indiana, in Haines, Alaska in November. Her husband Fred had suggested going to 33 Mile Roadhouse, a good restaurant as far out of town as you have already figured out, for dinner. The road is a dark, winding route sometimes covered in snow. Marsha said that the locals don’t even drive out there at night. She told Fred that she wouldn’t drive to 33 Mile at that time of day, no matter how good the food is.

Fred responded that he’d drive.

“I won’t even ride with you in Indiana,” replied Marsha.

How is not working working for you?

Fred Johnson of Haines, Alaska drove a big truck 800 miles to Anchorage and then back home. He did that twice a week for years. Two 1,600-mile round trips weekly. Fred has retired. I asked him what he was doing to stay busy.

“Enjoying not driving 1,600 miles twice a week,” said Fred.

The thoughtful thief

Haines, Alaska isn’t a metropolitan area. It’s located where nature always triumphs. Rush hour traffic is when I come to a stop sign, look both ways and see a car. The Haines Borough, a borough is similar to a county, has a population of about 2,300 who keep company with a plethora of Subarus and Patagonia clothing. Friends named Jim and Julie Shook live in Haines where the crime rate is low. Jim told me that a car had been stolen in town. The thief used it for whatever purposes and then parked it legally and undamaged with a full tank of gas.

Ask Al

“What has two legs, two arms, two eyes, two ears, a nose, a mouth and surrenders?” I give up.

“Can you repair a frayed knot?” I’m afraid not.

“I put sheep manure on my garden. Someone told me that I should try bat guano. What’s it  good for?” The bat guano industry.

“How do I get rid of crow’s feet?” Stop wearing a hat made of corn.

“What time does it get dark in Minnesota?” November.

“Did you have your family for Thanksgiving?” No, just a turkey.

In local news

String quartet always has room for cello.

Apple orchard has core issues.

Local high school football team was undefeated while playing a 5-7 defense until it ran into an opponent that could count.

Roofer gets a case of the shingles.

Several customers fall at the bakery on floor slippery from drool.

Giant shoe sale fails due to a lack of giants.

From the mailbag 

Mark Domeier of Ellendale writes, “My dad has always said that 90 days after a fog lifts, we get precipitation: what goes up must come down! My wife has made fog stickers for our calendar to keep track this year. We had a foggy spring, which led to a wet summer.

Nature notes

“Why are nuthatches called nuthatches?” Because of  their habit of jamming nuts into the bark of a tree and pecking them open with their sharp bills  to hatch the seeds from inside.

Meeting adjourned 

“It takes nothing away from a human to be kind to an animal.” — Joaquin Phoenix