Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

My brother-in-law told me that he is a pathological liar.

Is he?

Maybe, but I think he was lying.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I was headed to a location where I was to speak. It was one of those places where it would have been impossible to script the directions on the back of an envelope as once was common. You might remember those. They had notations such as, “Go the wrong way on Acme Street for two blocks.” I know that the world is made of atoms, but sometimes while driving, I get the feeling that an atom is made of electrons, protons, neutrons and morons. I’ve been all four. Driving is like having political views. If you are too far to the left or too far to the right, you have gone too far.

The cafe chronicles

When we are deciding where to eat, my wife always wants to go to the same place. It’s called, “I don’t care.”

I took her to a nice place. It had napkins. I had a swell sandwich. The outside of the sandwich was as good as the inside. After finishing the meal, I took the time to decelerate — to pick celery strands from between my teeth.

Look and then look some more

I was in the U.K. — West Malling in county Kent. I wanted to go to North York Moors, one of England’s nine national parks. I wanted moor and further moor. I didn’t make it there.

I found other things to look at, far more than I could see. I saw things that amazed me to no end.

The easiest way to find a bear or a moose in Alaska is to look for a tourist pointing a camera. Jim and Julie Shook live in Haines, Alaska, a stunning display of the natural world. Jim told me that they are Haines’ best tourists. He added that he and his wife go around slack-jawed at the beauty they behold. I’m proud to say that I’m that way wherever I go. I’m a tourist in my own home.

Pumping baggage

I was in a snazzy hotel. It was much too nice for the likes of me. It even had the world’s smallest bathroom scale. I weighed myself. I lost a pound. I was indifferent about the loss. I was packing to fly home. I’d bought books. I decided to weigh my suitcase to make sure it didn’t exceed the weight limit. I put it on the scale, but the suitcase blocked the numbers. I held the bag and stood on the scale. I still couldn’t see the numbers. I held the suitcase over my head so that I could read the weight. The weight was under the limit.

In local news

Good Intentions Paving Company stays busy.

Man of steal is jailed, proving that he’s no Superman.

Man drinks too many soft drinks and suffers from fizzy spells.

Ask Al

“Why is lefse so popular?” Because it gets the taste of lutefisk out of a mouth.

“How could I tell if I’m really a birder?” There is a simple test. If someone yells, “Duck!” and you look up, you are a birder.

“How could I get rid of my dry eyes?” Go to a sad movie, the kind that reviewers are fond of saying, “There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.”

“Do you have any tattoos?” I’m not sure. Tattoo artists can be clever in hiding them. I do have a body piercing. It was done accidentally with a nail gun.

From the mailbag

Harvey Benson of Harmony wrote, “Not long ago I was telling a friend how I looked for the perfect woman till I found her. He asked if I married her. I told him I had not. He asked me why. I said that she was looking for the perfect man.”

Naturally

I listened to birds making spring sounds. Voices of the land. The language of the seasons.

A cardinal whistled a “what-cheer, cheer, cheer.” A white-breasted nuthatch called, “Yank, yank.” A black-capped chickadee added a whistled, “Fee-bee.”

The avian declarations of spring shined like a good deed in a naughty world. I thought of Bob Dylan’s lyrics, “May your heart always be joyful. May your song always be sung.”

Meeting adjourned

Mark Domeier of Ellendale sent this from Sirach 6:5 in the Bible: “A kind mouth multiplies friends and gracious lips prompt friendly greetings.”