It’s the middle of summer and politics is everywhere. Obama and McCain are everywhere. It’s depressing and there’s one thing missing from everyone’s life: more laughter.

As a public service, try these:

They’re still talking about this at Austin Country Club.

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad once I’ve hit

the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is 103. He can’t help.”

“He may be a 103,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!,” says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I can’t remember,” says the brother-in-law.

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

A woman’s poem:

“He didn’t like the casserole

And he didn’t like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard…

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t perk the coffee right

He didn’t like the stew,

I didn’t mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him…

Like his mother used to do.”

A little girl asked her mother: “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered: “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.”

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys?”

The mother answers: “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.”

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal

door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the

circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. There was screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Moral: Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them.

And finally, I wonder if Click and Clack, the NPR Car Talk brothers, would respond this way:

Dear Peter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Best regards,

Peter

You may return to doing the crossword puzzle in today’s paper.