They say my personnel record at the Austin Daily Herald is thick.

Lawyers never write short threats.

Through the years, there have been a few … let’s call them … incidents in the newsroom. Disagreements with editors and publishers that got out of hand. Witness statements, too, in case they wanted to begin termination proceedings.

The misunderstandings, as I prefer to call them, were documented.

There might be a few written reports of angry phone calls from readers or, worse yet, advertisers, too.

There’s a price to be paid for free speech.

For a long time, I have suspected my phone is bugged and there’s a surveillance camera somewhere in the newsroom ceiling recording my every scratch, itch or move.

It’s a tough life we journalists lead. Not only are they reading what we write, they’re observing us while we write it.

Did I just see a ceiling tile slide back into place or was that my imagination?

Even getting a job in the newspaper business has become an exhausting ordeal.

No more exceptions paid just because you know someone.

The scrutiny given newspaper job seekers is so tight I wonder how I would fare today, looking for work at the Herald.

Let’s see how I could pump up my job application to get their attention:

Name: “Bonorden” sounds like the sound my stomach makes when I’ve had too much pizza. I would need something with more pizazz … how about just “Lee Roy” like “Kilroy was here?”

Petition applying for: Let’s roll the dice and shoot for the top. I’d like to be boss. Make a few changes, ruffle some weathers. Get the corner office with windows. Change the locks to the building every so often just to scare the bejeezus out of employees.

Are you able to perform the essential functions of the job for which you are applying with or without reasonable accommodations? My answer: Yes. Prefer Lazy Boy recliner instead of desk chair, mood lighting over head would be nice, those cushioned toilet seats, valet parking for my bike, buffet in lunchroom and a tape recording playing in the background sounds of typewriters click-clacking, a wire service machine ringing in the latest story and people’s voices like they actually visited a newspaper anymore.

Are you authorized to be employed in the United States? My answer: I will admit I was caught coming across the Mexico-Arizona border, but I was looking for Cindy McCain, Senator John’s wife, the beer distributor. My papers are in order, my Izaak Walton League membership card is green and I speak English. Don’t write it so well all the time, but I can talk the talk.

Are you currently attending school? My answer: Yes. Hope to become law enforcement professional after successfully graduating from online university in Nigeria. Minoring in philosophy and crocheting.

List previous employment: My answer: Special advisor to the special advisor to Mower County Auditor-Treasurer Doug Groh for Per Diem and Mileage Reimbursement Claims; Under Secretary to the Over Secretary to Austin Mayor Tom Stiehm in Charge of Flip Flops; Special Consultant On Vocabulary To Austin Council Member John Patrick Martin; Personal Assistant to former Austin Superintendent of Schools Dr. Candace Raskin for Promoting Employee Job Security (It was only a temp job. The phone never rang).

Have you ever been discharged or asked to resign from any position? My answer: I can explain everyone of them. Let’s start with the ballroom dance instructor’s job. All I can say on the advice of attorney is if “inappropriate touching” is attempting to grab hold of an out-of-control woman who obviously had spent considerable time resting her derrire on a tractor seat to do the samba with a cattle prod then I’m guilty. ‘Nuff said.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime other than a minor traffic violation? My answer: Define “convicted.” I’ve been banned from Taopi for making wisecracks about Bill Boe, because he’s so sensitive and his feels are easily hurt. I have a restraining order against me for gratuitous groping at a cow-milking contest in Adams (I was merely trying to enhance the heifer’s performance.) And it’s only two more years until that restraining order will be lifted by the sponsors of the Celebrity Tractor Pull at the Mower County Fair for “bribing the sled man.” The charge of goosing the tractor was thrown out of court long ago.

Release and privacy statement: My response: It’s on the back of the employment application. I know it’s just a coincidence it’s in very small print, but I think I will pass on that. Looks like a cable TV contract or a credit card application to me. No thanks.

There… that ought to get their attention and move my application to the top.

For those of you desiring more sophisticated column-writing here is a poem:

I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven’s door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

who made me sputter and gasp —

the thieves, the liars, the sinners,

the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought

was rotting away in hell,

was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How’d all these sinners get up here?

God must’ve made a mistake.”

“And why’s everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue.”

“Hush, child,” said He “They’re all in shock.

No one thought they’d see you.”

The moral: Judge NOT.

Finally … forget Wal-Mart. The coffee shop crowd says Kwik Trip is taking over the Austin world and buying prime real estate like the Scheid-Himec corner at the new Wal-Mart lights along Fourth Street Northwest.