Seems the Minnesota State Fair is not the only place that serves unfair fair food.  That rascally Texas, would you believe, is trying to beat us out.  But then, doesn’t Texas always have to bully the littler guys, satisfying their need to be perpetually bigger and better … and in this case awfuller!

Case in point: Did you ever notice that advertisements from Austin, Texas, don’t bother to add “Texas,” assuming there is only one Austin on the planet?  Sheesh!  Double! Triple! Sheesh!

So, here’s some of the Texas’ state fair menu, contemptible as it is:

Deep Fried Fruit Loops – fruit loops mixed with marshmallows, deep fried and topped with a dusting of powdered sugar.  (What?  No country gravy?)

Surfin’ Turfin’ Tater Boat – baked potato stuffed with grilled lobster, steak, cheese and garlic butter.  (OK, OK, so this sounds good … almost!  Still, where’s the bacon?)

Funnel Cake Bacon Queso Burger – Texas, wouldn’t you know, is unwilling to share this recipe knowing the likes of us here in Minnesota would latch onto this faster than a piranha on fresh flesh.

Deep Fried Chicken Noodle Soup on a Stick – We won’t get into how this magic trick  is accomplished other than to say it has to be a wild prevarication of the truth! Besides Minnesotans would never dream of bamboozling our people with such nefarious nonsense. (And where, I’d like to know, is Campbells in all of this?)

Fat Smoothy – three mini cream puffs dipped in Cafe du Monde beignet batter, deep fried, covered with powdered sugar, chocolate and caramel sauce.  (Mums the word, but I just called Sun Country to book a flight to Houston … yum, yum … pray for me!)

Fernie’s Fried Texas Sheet Cake – cake coated with ground Cocoa Puffs, panko crumbs and cinnamon sugar, deep fried with a topping of icing made with Dr. Pepper, pecans and whipped cream.  (Looks suspiciously like Fernie was cleaning out his pantry when he came up with this one!)

Right off the bat, Minnesotans can discern what screams out as being very, very wrong with this menu.  No way would any of these delicacies ever make it into our fair fare for there are, plain and simple, not high enough levels of butter, bacon or chocolate in any of them!  Amen to that!  Burp!  And furthermore, I’ll bet they don’t even carve out the likenesses of their princesses in butter. What a bunch of unfair fair fare losers!`

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On an unrelated note, after I wrote my column describing the day the Ethiopian emperor, Haile Selassie, visited Austin, I received a letter from a man in Chicago (see how widespread the Herald is read).  He told me his father had attended the fancy-smancy dinner that Hormel put on in the ruler’s honor. It seems, however, that before everyone actually sat down to eat, the Hormel brigade was lectured on the very strict and proper protocol they must use as befitting his majesty.  (Naturally you’re aware that this tedious lecture was wholly unnecessary, as everyone knows that, of course, the folks in hog kill already knew all this!)

Nonetheless, one particularly important rule of conduct was stressed: Whenever the emperor stood up, everyone else was required to stand.

The sumptuous meal proceeded without a hitch; not a single egregious transgression committed by a Hormel employee. All in attendance were giddy over their success as they knew that surely Haile was highly impressed. Why not? In every respect the entire shebang had thus far been carried off without a single blunder.

Toward the end of the soiree, however, the emperor suddenly pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. The startled Hormel gang immediately followed suit, some still swallowing their half-chewed mouthfuls of filet of Spam.  There they stood in military attention, not one of them having a clue as to what had just happened … and what they should do next.

Just then the emperor whispered to the man standing rigidly beside him. Without wasting a second, the taken-aback fellow promptly escorted Hailie Selassie to the exit. Seems that even an emperor has to sometimes – like the rest of us mortals – obey the call of nature.