Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“May I help you?”

“I need a dollar’s worth of gas.”

“Eat a radish.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if anyone has ever offered you a penny for your thoughts, you know their value.

Things I’ve learned

1. Teach a man to fish and he will opt for an early retirement.

2. Happiness is making the least of the worst and the most of the least.

3. A true friend stands beside you when you are beside yourself.

You’re getting older

1. If your life were a slice of pizza, it would be with anchovies.

2. If it feels like the Wheel of Fortune fell on you.

3. If your favorite alphabet soup comes in the large print version.

On the job

What do you do when your zipper breaks?

I was at a banquet when my zipper broke. It wasn’t just a banquet. It was a banquet that I was speaking at. My broken zipper and I.

I wondered what to do. Do I try to keep it a secret? Do I tell everyone?

I opted for borrowing a safety pin from an employee in the banquet hall. I pinned the zipper so that it didn’t look as if the cows were getting out — too much.

I gave the talk — a talk I had just begun when the safety pin broke.

A traveling man

My wife and I were visiting Israel. We were staying in Jerusalem. Each morning, I wandered outside and found the newspaper vendor. I wanted a newspaper to read with my breakfast. The vendor was an 80-year-old fellow with 12 children. He sold a number of different newspapers that were arranged on the sidewalk, each stack held in place by a large rock. Before I purchased my International Herald Tribune, the 80-year-old guy would lift me off the ground to show me what a diet based on falafel could do. He claimed chickpeas made muscles like no other food was capable of doing.

He told me that he wanted to visit the United States. He wanted to spend a week here and visit my home in Minnesota, the Grand Canyon, Alaska, Yellowstone, Disney World, Hollywood, Yankee Stadium, etc. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he couldn’t see all that he wanted to see even if he had his own Learjet.

Israel is not much larger than New Jersey, our fifth smallest state.

He told me that when he comes to Minnesota, he would deliver my newspaper.

Falling off a log

I fell off a log once.

I was jumping from one log to another. Both logs were wet. So were my shoes. I slipped. I fell. I escaped uninjured.

It’s the only thing I’ve ever done that was as easy as falling off a log.

Nature notes

“What do opossums eat?” Just about anything. Carrion, berries, corn, small birds, eggs, insects, small rodents, garbage, and pet food are on the menu. They eat both birdseed and suet. They are able climbers. The opossum is an interesting animal. When confronted, it will hiss, growl, and show its 50 teeth, but “plays dead” when threatened. This response is involuntary.

“I have seen trumpeter swans with a reddish/rust color on their heads. Is that a breeding plumage?” The feathers are stained rust-brown from contact with ferrous minerals in wetland soils.

“What is Canada’s national bird?” It’s not the Canada goose, Canada jay, Canada warbler, or the loonie. Canada does not have a national bird.

From the mailbag

Knowles Dougherty sends along three things he has learned. 1. When in doubt, deduct it. 2. If you can’t determine which of two tools to take to a job, take them both. 3. Your mind may forget why you went into another room, but your feet seldom do.

Meeting adjourned

Willard and Marilyn Gerdts of Waldorf were kind enough to send along this bit of poetry they came across. It is titled, “Pay it forward.” “Do an act of kindness, to your fellow man. Do an act of kindness every time you can. And if you do a good deed every single day, the world will be a better place, in every single way. So do the deed you know you should. It can only work for good. Be thoughtful of your fellow man, and pay it forward when you can. And if you do that kindness, you will find it’s true. Two people will be happier, and one of them will be you.”