The Friends of the Library have some questions for you.

Is your daughter (who once cherished  “Dora the Explorer,” but is now infatuated with “Zombie Tales”) really going to return to Dora?

Or, is your wife (who previously devoured steamy reads like  “Fabio Finds Love With a Lutheran Housewife,” but has now replaced them with “How to Survive Menopause” … in large print) honestly going to return to Fabio?

Come on now.

And what about you aging beach boys who still cling to your three-volume set of “How to Build Your Own Yacht and Sail Around the Globe”?

Let’s face it, have you now not pushed those dusty books aside for glossy-paged brochures of La-Z-Boy recliners …  with boost seats?

Then there are your unsullied sons who only yesterday devoured illustrated books of trucks and dinosaurs, but are now holed up behind locked bedroom doors salaciously consuming other illustrated journals whose name begins with “Play …”  These publications are secreted under their beds (a nebulous place where dust bunnies once accumulated, but no longer have a fighting chance), next to stacks of Frederick of Hollywood catalogs — and a flashlight.

Furthermore, once you’ve finished reading your Baldacci and Grisham novels, are you really going to re-read them?  For Pete’s sake! You already know who the killer is?

And practically speaking, what about all those once-read books you bought for your little grandchildren’s yearly visits?  It’s high time you grasped the reality that those same grandchildren are now in college. Or if you’ve moved into a smaller home with less storage or your garage sale books didn’t sell, help is on the way!  Unload your once loved, gently used books on us! Think about it, no more dust floating around your bookshelves, a sure guarantee of cutting down on asthma attacks, to say nothing of the thanks you’ll receive from your groaning floor joists.

The book sale does, however, have limits. Verboten are VHS tapes, long play or 45 rpm records, Readers Digest Condensed Books, encyclopedias or magazines, although we do welcome DVD’s of music, movies and books-on-tape. Additionally, we don’t explode with happiness over 1970 books on “Hot Investing Tips” or the latest heart surgery textbooks published in 1995.  If it’s your heart, you’ll know why.

Forget about romance novels that are so old the sex kitten on the cover is wearing anklets and an apron over her house dress. We’re, as well, not particularly enraptured with folks who have used their books as plates.  Quite honestly, we’ve received pages so stained, we could have boiled them for soup.  And then there was that slice of cheese I found stuck to page 142, to say nothing of some poor departed soul’s funeral photos, discarded 50th anniversary portraits (their love also died) and even a credit card. On the other hand, if you use your books in which to stash $10 bills, bring ‘em on!

Spiritual books remain forever inspirational unless they are boat building plans for Noah or how-to instructions for parting the Red Sea. We also do not jump for joy over church recipe books so ancient they are etched on stone tablets, as well as frowning upon novels penned on papyrus paper.  Gardening books are welcome, albeit we nix books that expound saving the endangered Creeping Charley and/or how to welcome deer to your front lawn, the one recently installed by Berg’s Nursery.

Most importantly, we do not embrace books that have been stored in thermal attics, musty bomb shelters or moist garages, including those amassed behind basement furnaces since the Eisenhower Era.  If the covers have furry edges, or reek powerfully enough to clean out clogged sinuses, we dissuade you from donating, even though your hearts are in the right place. Additionally college textbooks circa 1951 are a blight on our contentment.  (Yes, we know you paid $1.95 each, but really!)

The best news of all is that you will no longer waste money on how-to-organize-your-home, because you just have!

Last spring we were low on donations, so please help us now.  All proceeds go to your …YOUR… library, much of it toward the blessed Hot Spots.  Countless Austin students have benefited scholastically from them, ranking the importance of these tiny devices just below the wheel.

And who doesn’t love the always refreshed new volume displays?  Folks, your book donations pay for these.

We are accepting books from September 18 and worker-bees are always welcome. Friends of the Library are privileged to attend the pre-sale for the best pickins’. Membership is a mere $10 a year per family and may be purchased during the sale.
• Pre-sale for Friends of the Library members only, 6:30-8 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 28.

• Book sale, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.  Friday Sept. 29 and Saturday, Sept. 30. All are welcome.

• $5 Bag Sale 3:30-4:30 p.m. Saturday, Sept. 30.
Hope to see you, you and YOU there!