Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

You’re not on Facebook.

No, I’m not on Twitter either.

What are you trying to hide?

Driving by the Bruces

I had two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who lived across the road from each other until Southside Bruce moved to South Carolina. Whenever I pass those two driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I called my young grandson Crosby a head of knuckle. He called me an apple-knocker. Apple-knocker is another term for country bumpkin, hayseed or rube. Crosby nailed it. I’m all of those. He’s the same little boy who wondered how I’d managed to live so long. I told him that I’d gotten an early start.

A scene from a marriage

I told my wife that if I lived to be 91, I wanted to be just like the fellow I’d visited. He was mentally sharp and enjoyed life. Only after my words had tumbled out did it occur to me that he was a widower. My wife didn’t say anything in response. I changed the subject quickly to that of a field of unpicked corn.

Loud talking

Nobody is perfect. He was a loud talker on a cellphone. Apparently, I was a good audience as he went on and on at an incredible volume. He went after each word as if it were the last mini-doughnut at the county fair. Everyone has to be somewhere. I had to be there. I had nowhere to hide.

It was raining and he described the day as “moist” several times before getting another call and dumping the person he was talking to, who had probably gone deaf by that time. His less-than-scintillating conversation continued.

I’d read an article saying researchers from Oberlin College and Trinity University had published a study called “An Exploratory Investigation of Word Aversion,” which found as much as 20 percent of the population indicated a dislike or aversion to the word “moist.”

That’s probably because of one loud talker on a cellphone.

Caution: Tales of a proud grandpa follow

A friend told me that he’d done a random gravity check. He’d broken both his eyeglasses and his wrist in the fall. His tale of woe reminded me of my need for an eye test and some window-shopping for spectacles.

Not long after that, my granddaughter, Joey, became a member of the National Honor Society. My head became so swollen with pride that the unbreakable frames of my glasses broke beyond the ability of duct tape to fix them.

Later, while wearing my old, long-retired pair of eyeglasses, I watched as Joey poured in 38 points, giving her over 1,000 points in her varsity basketball career. Her younger sister, Hadley, held up a sign proclaiming the accomplishment. Someone with good eyesight or unbroken eyeglasses could probably have read the sign from where I was seated. I had neither of those. An eye exam has been scheduled and replacement cheaters will be obtained.

My ears seem to be working well and I hope they persist. I credit their continued effectiveness to years of selective hearing.

A fellow I know had purchased hearing aids. They take getting used to. One evening, he put the hearing aids on a hassock. His dog ate the ear apparatuses. He could have tailed the canine and searched each of the mutt’s bowel movements for signs of the hearing aids, but he passed on that golden opportunity. He chose not to buy replacement hearing aids. He worried that all he’d hear with them would be how his dog had eaten his first pair.

Nature notes

A crow flew over as darkness neared. In the quiet of the day, I could hear each wingbeat as it sliced through the air. The crow had come from an area where the rubber meets the roadkill. The crow had caws that it supported. I wished it a merry Christmas.

What makes a good Christmas present for a nature lover? Here are some nice gifts that wouldn’t require a bank loan:

Your time — hard to find a greater gift.

A state park sticker is a gift that keeps on giving.

Books and field guides.

A Duck Stamp that allows entry to National Wildlife Refuges with 98 percent of its $25 cost going for wetland habitat preservation.

Bird feeder and seed, brilliant gifts for nursing home residents.

A shepherd’s hook for hanging feeders.

Warm gloves and socks.

A membership to the Audubon Society or a subscription to Bird Watcher’s Digest found at www.birdwatchersdigest.