Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

Did you hear that Walleye Walter died while fishing?

That’s the way he’d have wanted to go.

True. It was a good thing his wife was with him. I don’t know what he’d have done if she hadn’t been there.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor, named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me, such as: I took an early morning shower in the hotel. I set the shower to stun. That’s a pulsating stream that beats me to a pulp and prepares me for the day to come — a drive out of downtown Chicago.

Stupid customer trick

I was far from home and needed a couple of things. Humans are needy critters. I went into a big box store. I grabbed the items and made way to the checkout lanes. There was only one open besides the self-checkout lanes. I don’t often use those. I don’t want to take someone’s job. Besides, I’ve no chance of becoming the store’s employee-of-the-month.

I was behind four other shoppers waiting and one paying.

I listened to the checker give the same spiel to every customer. Each got the same questions.

“How was your day?”

“Big plans for next week?”

She responded to each answer with, “Great.” She was pleasant and capable.

I decided to goof around.

“How was your day?” she asked.

“Terrible, I just found out that I have to give back my Nobel Peace Prize. It was meant to be given to somebody who deserved it.”

“Great,” she responded without a pause. “Big plans for next week?”

“Well, I’ll need to return that prize,” I said.

“Great,” she said, handing me my receipt and telling me to have a great day.

I’d already had one.

Of all the seats in the world, he had to sit next to mine

I’d been in enough airplanes and airports that I’d begun moving as if I were a poorly made bowling pin. I’d acquired that wandering grogginess that caused me to brush my teeth five times a day because I couldn’t remember if I’d brushed them. I was traveling during the time of the Ear Hair Moon.

I sat next to a large gentlemen crammed into the middle seat. He was as quiet as a dead mouse. I enjoy being quiet when someone is talking, but no one was talking. I decided to fill the silence, but what could I talk about? I talked about the first thing that came to mind. That’s right, ear hair.

I’d been noticing that hair was growing from my right ear while none sprouted from my left. I expounded on that subject longer than needed. After I’d exhausted my knowledge and my suspicions of ear hair, I thought I should ask him what he did for a living. He told me his tinnitus was so loud I should have been able to hear it and confessed that he was a top-notch international spy. What were the odds? I’d never known a top-notch international spy. I suppose statistics would say I was due to meet one. Then he jotted something down in an official looking notebook and pretended to sleep uncomfortably. I busied myself by trying to pluck an ear hair or two — from my right hair. The left ear was looking good.

Nature notes

“What good are vultures?” They clean the environment. In the 1990s, India lost about 95 percent of their vultures due to the anti-inflammatory drug diclofenac, which is lethal to vultures consuming the carcasses of treated animals. Lacking vultures, India experienced an uptick in feral dogs. Canines weren’t as good at the cleanup job as vultures. The increase in dogs feeding on disease-ridden carcasses is believed to have partially caused a rabies outbreak that killed 48,000 people from 1992 to 2006 in India. Vultures eat the diseases found in carcasses. The list of diseases that result from rotting carcasses is lengthy and includes tuberculosis, anthrax and foot-and-mouth disease. Plus, vultures are really cool.

“What’s an easy way to keep mosquitoes away while I’m on my deck?” You could try foggers, sprays, repellants and sticking pins into tiny voodoo dolls. Mosquitoes are weak flyers and it doesn’t take much wind to blow them away. A box fan or two on the deck should blow the skeeters away.

Meeting adjourned

Sarah Frances Brown (not Mark Twain) said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.“ What if this is as good as it gets? Don’t waste a day. Be kind.