Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

You know who I’m talking about. What’s-his-name.

I don’t know what’s-his-name.

Of course, you do. He’s world famous. Everyone knows his name. I just wish I could remember it.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me, such as: More summers than not, I stop at Kolacky Days in Montgomery, Minnesota. A kolacky is a small dinner roll-like pastry that is folded, enclosing filling in the center. I grew up eating kolaches that were open-faced. Both have origins in Czechoslovakia. A woman working at Franke’s Bakery there told me that bakery had made 20,000 kolackys for the celebration.

It’s a world wrapped in automobiles and tied in a bow of highways. Gasbuddy.com revealed the states with the most aggressive drivers based on speeding, rapid acceleration and hard braking. California had the most aggressive drivers, followed by Connecticut, Georgia, Texas and North Carolina. Minnesota rated 39th and Iowa 44th.

A 2009 study from the University of Essex revealed that reading for as little as six minutes a day reduces stress levels by up to 68 percent. I read more than that each day just by reading traffic signs. This study (aimed at the readers of books) showed that people who stimulated their minds through activities like reading, reduced cognitive decline by an average of 32 percent as they aged.

Grandfathers tell it

like it was

I leaned into the day. I sat in a cafe with a friend who looked as if he were wearing hand-me-downs from an older brother. He’d lost both weight and his cool. That was to be expected. He’s a grandfather. A grandfather is someone whose doctor told him to lose weight and to eliminate stress in his life. A grandfather drops stress by no longer caring if the Minnesota Vikings win or lose. Fans take losses harder than the players. Not being tethered to an NFL team frees up the time to do nothing. There are those who consider a grandfather to be an expert at doing nothing. We have the time to say wise things such as, “Don’t let anyone you wouldn’t want to live in your house live in your brain. Save the room for those you like.” The waitress asked me for my order. I told her I wanted the waffle special with bacon. I like specials. I figure they are specials for a reason. The waitress looked at me and asked, “Bacon or sausage?”

I repeated my bacon order. I was just happy to be waited on. Grandfathers are able to don a cloak of invisibility.

I have become a hermit crab living in someone else’s shell. There is an imposter in my mirror. I still think I’m a whippersnapper, but I’m the deposed lord and master. In the caste system, I’m at the bottom of the heap. I’m a grandfather. I no longer have a say in anything.

I often start talking by saying, “When I was younger.”

Well, of course it was when I was younger. If I remember it, it wasn’t from the future.

Grandfathers consider themselves insightful and are accused of repeating things. That’s not true. We review. You repeat. We recall ancient history.

OK, I’ll admit it. Grandpas do repeat themselves. We might as well. Nobody is listening to us.

And in the news

The Minnesota Twins trade 1000 fans to the Chicago Cubs for a rookie hot dog vendor.

Cat obedience school goes out of business.

Waiter sues his employer, the owner of a Chinese restaurant, for back injuries suffered while carrying a bowl of one-ton soup.

Accountant dies and becomes a buried treasurer.

Farmer cries after winning largest onion prize at county fair.

Nature notes

“Is it common for deer to have twin fawns?” Yes, it is. In her first pregnancy, a doe will usually have only a single fawn, but after that she may give birth to twins or triplets. Embryo studies of white-tailed deer in Pennsylvania provided these statistics. In two-year-old does: 34 percent carried a single embryo, 64 percent carried twins and 3 percent carried triplets. In does over three years old: 22 percent carried a single embryo, 73 percent carried twins and 5 percent carried triplets. A doe’s health and the availability of good forage are factors.

“What is the difference between a vole and a mole?” One letter. Moles are typically underground and voles are above ground. Moles are primarily insectivores and voles are herbivores.

Meeting adjourned

  “If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance.” ~Andrea Boydston. Be kind.