Loafers’ Club Meeting

I can still wear some of the clothes I wore in junior high.

Nonsense. You’re over twice the man you were then. What could still fit you?

Scarves.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor, named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me, such as: You’ve probably noticed it. People do strange things while waiting at stoplights. They sing and dance along with their cars’ audio systems or with the music preprogrammed into their brains. Some drivers place their hand just above the horn button so they can honk the second the light turns green. And there is something about a red traffic light that makes drivers pick their noses.

Why do people pick their noses while waiting for a traffic light to change? Remember to phrase your answers in the form of a question. It’s because it’s difficult to find someone else willing to pick their noses for them.

So there I was sitting behind the steering wheel of my car. I wasn’t waiting for a light to change, dancing or picking my nose. I was sitting in the comfort of my car and clipping my nose hairs with a small scissors. I ask you husbands out there — what do you do while waiting for your wife to come out of a store that you had no desire to go into?

I was making those odd faces that men make when shaving, as I used the rearview mirror to give myself the best look at the stalactites and stalagmites that were the hairs in my snout cave. I wanted to nip each nasal whisker in the bud as Barney Fife might have done.

As I was busy doing that, I had an odd feeling. You’ve experienced it. No, it wasn’t the feeling I might be an idiot for doing what I was doing. Or wondering how someone like me ends up being someone like me. Maybe I’ve hit my crazy bone once too often. I had the feeling someone was watching me. I went into a self-defense mode. The one where I think if I sit perfectly still, no one would be able to see me.

I didn’t want to, but I turned my head slowly to the left where I spotted someone watching me. It was a young boy with his face pressed against a car’s window a parking space away from me. He wasn’t laughing or rolling his eyes as I’d expected. He had a shocked look that came with the realization that he was looking at his future.

You are either into ice fishing or ice evasion

By this time of the winter, the bloom is off the rose. I walked like a penguin on the icy road or like Artie Johnson’s character Tyrone, the dirty old man on “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In” TV show. Slipping and falling on the ice was funny when we’re little, but not funny when we’re big. Ice is nice in lemonade, but not nice under shoes without skate blades. The good news is that I’m saving a lot of money on sunscreen.

Thoughts while not picking my nose at a stoplight

When I was a youngster, social media was a note passed in class.

If I think someone is being judgmental, am I being judgmental?

Keep your friends close and your lefse closer.

How often do you have to feel your toothbrush because you couldn’t remember if you’d brushed your teeth? If you do that often, I’ve got bad news for you. You’re normal.

I used a host’s bathroom to wash my hands before dining. Towels were labeled “His” and “Hers.” There were ornamental towels that should have carried the message “Don’t touch.”

Nature notes

Squirrels find food under the snow by smell and memory. Studies suggest that squirrels bury food in a series of locations that help form a cognitive map of storage locations. A study done at the University of Richmond found squirrels recover about 26 percent of the nuts they bury. Squirrels are likely to bury red oak acorns because they are less likely to decay in the ground. Squirrels generally consume acorns of white oaks immediately because they germinate in the fall and as they germinate, grow a thick taproot that squirrels don’t like.

Solitary coyotes travel over large areas, up to 60 square miles. Dispersing young coyotes often travel 50 to 100 miles (with up to 400 miles documented) in search of a vacant territory or a mate. Adults could move 10 miles a night throughout their territory.

Meeting adjourned

“One kind word can warm three winter months.” — Japanese proverb