People ask me all the time, "How does it feel to be one of the sexiest men in Mower County?"

It's embarrassing.

Oh, sure. There's Saint Thomas, the original tomcat at Adams, but he's slowing down.

When he gets his new home built, Saint Thomas will be more interested in wall coverings, carpeting and floor tile than cattin' around.

And, Steady Eddie at LeRoy is just that: steady, which is only a short distance from being dull. Too many meetings and not enough fun.

Over at Sargeant, there's Eager Eugene, who has the wheels -- a slick looking PT Cruiser -- but, truth be told, he's more likely to be spinning his wheels than anything else.

Nope. There's only one Mr. Excitement. Just look at the picture. If that don't send shivers up the spine, I don't know what will.

Being the most eligible bachelor in Mower County is a curse I'm willing to bear for the sake of humanity.

I think the one thing that allows me to number females among my best friends is that I know how to communicate. I can say the right thing at the right time.

It's a gift.

In fact, I'm willing to share some communication tips with women -- both married and single -- on how to speak more kindly about men.

Nobody likes to have their feelings hurt.

It's crazy, but true. Men are accused of not showing women the respect they deserve. Can you believe it? I say it's a problem women have when talking about men.

It may sound funny, when a woman tells her man "It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat," but think of the pain when that message sinks in. Would a man say that to a woman? Aloud?

With help from my therapist, Dr. Don Graff, that well-known used car salesman who works for a woman, here's a guide for women who want to speak politically correct about men:

(1) He does not have a beer belly. He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.

(2) He is not a bad dancer. He is overly Caucasian. (I'm just repeating what the good doctor said, Folks!)

(3) He does not get lost all the time. He investigates alternative destinations.

(4) He is not balding. He is in follicle regression.

(5) He is not a cradle robber. He prefers generationally different relationships.

(6) He does not get falling down drunk. He becomes accidentally horizontal.

(7) He is not a male chauvinist pig. He has swine empathy.

(8) He is not afraid of commitment. He is monogamously challenged.

There you have it: Some helpful hints for women to better interact with the poor, misunderstood male.

Needless to say, I've suffered some of these faux pas at the hands of the female sex and let me tell you: it hurts.

But, you have to expect to get stung when you're around to much honey.

As for wives, I can only say: give in a little.

For instance, going to church doesn't make your husband a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

And, to the husbands I will remind them it's easier to get forgiveness than permission; especially when all your body parts feel so good and the only thing that feels bad is your conscience.

Follow Mr. Excitement's guidelines, guys, and you too will enjoy good relationships with that other sex.

Lee Bonorden can be contacted at 434-2232 or by e-mail at :mailto:lee.bonorden@austindailyherald.com